The number of civilians holding various federal government jobs. IELTS Writing Task 1

Hi, I would appreciate it if you could check my sample report and essay. My exam is already on Jul 8..Thanks!
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WRITING TASK 1

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

The bar graph below shows the number of civilians holding various federal government jobs.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Write at least 150 words.

Proportion of civilians holding federal government jobs

please see attached image

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The given bar graph shows data regarding the proportion of civilian workers holding various federal government jobs. Overall, it can be seen that out of the six different federal government jobs, most of the civilian workers opt to work with the Department of the Army.

As per the acquired data, almost 350, 000 civilian workers are working in the Department of the Army and this is consequently followed by the Department of the Navy, with a little over 300, 000 civilian workers. Moreover, many civilian workers can also be found in the Department of the Air Force with a total of a little over 200, 000.

On the other hand, this is in contrast with the number of civilian workers working for the Justice Department and State Department with only 100, 000 and 50, 000, respectively. More so, there are lesser civilian workers working in the Congress with almost half of those working for the State Department. Simply put, there is a noticeable difference between the number of civilian workers working in the Department of the Army and those in Congress.

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Kathrina, unfortunately, I can only review one of your essays as we are limited to one essay per thread and one advice per thread. It would be best if you post your essays in separate threads in order to get the best reviews possible for your practice tests. In this instance, I will only review the Task 1 essay that you wrote. In this instance, all of your sentences fall short of the required number of sentences per paragraph. In order to present at least 3 sentences that comprise a fully developed paragraph, you need to start using full stops (period) at the end of your statements instead of commas. Commas indicate a continuing thought process while what you have to do is separate your thoughts in order to allow for a better analysis of the facts you are giving in comparison to the illustration. Your summary outline is lacking because you did not indicate the 6 federal government jobs that you would be discussing in the essay. If you had indicated the jobs as part of the summary, you would have been more task compliant. The image shows that there is still data provided regarding the number of department of army and congress workers. You should have included the actual figures in your sentence. An estimation to the nearest figure would have sufficed. For example, you could have said "Congress has an estimated 25 thousand employees when compared to the more than 300 thousand Department of Navy Employees."

Hi Holt! Thanks for teaching me how to post, i'll make sure to transfer the other task in another thread. Also, I'll review your comments and check my essay point-by-point. :)