[TOEFL] Observing or studying animals teaches us a lot about human nature

Where do human originally come from? How do we breathe and what make it possible for human to be in the position of top species among any other creatures on earth? These are the typical types of questions that we often ask to ourselves. To find out the answers, some people suggest that observing or studying animals teaches us more about human nature. In my opinion, I also believe that human nature can be further studied and comprehended by studying and observing animals.

To begin with, human's psychological reactions in certain events sometimes resemble that of animals. As one can expects, many psychologists have proven that strong cohesion between mother and her child play a crucial role in forming the child's personality. For instance, let's say there is monkey A and monkey B. For monkey A, he was raised up by artificial mother made of wires that he was given no such love or care from his mother. On the other hand, monkey B was raised up by his real mother under full of love. Few months later, scientists tracked down on those monkeys and found some interesting trends that monkey A had become more aggressive and impolite towards other creatures, while monkey B was just like any other monkeys. Like this, most serial killers rather had misfortune childhood or faced with ignorance from their parents than normal life, which lead to their misbehavior.

Furthermore, people can also study about physical aspects of human by studying animals. Through scientific researches on animals, we are able to learn about ways to sustain our health, immune systems to diseases and protection from cancers. For example, there was once an experiment conducted by Seoul National University on mouse to find out ways to sustain their health. After attempting various methods, they concluded that mouse can maintain their health to a great extent by drinking water regularly, getting less stress and working out consistently. The fact that this could also apply to human demonstrate how useful animals are for human in improving their lifestyle.

In conclusion, through observing and studying certain behavior of animals, human can gather some useful information psychologically and physically. All in all, close relationship between human and animals are highly recommended.

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Thanks in advance for advice^^
My exam is three days to go and I'm kind of worried about my writing.
So your generous advice is needed since I cannot do it on my own.
Anyway, hope you enjoy my essay:)

The structure of your essay is good, although it will be better if you can put three (rather than just two) examples or arguments between your introduction and conclusion.

In writing, take more care to say precisely what you mean. For example, your closing statement is not quite right.


If what you mean is that there is a close relationship (in the sense of similarity) between humans and other animals -- as evidenced by the fact that we share 98% of our DNA with chimpanzees -- that's relevant to your essay. But, the way that you have phrased it, it sounds like you are recommending close relationships (in the sense of mutually beneficial interactions) between human and nonhuman animals, and this runs contrary to your essay, which relies for one of its examples on terribly hurtful research perpetrated on monkeys by the psychologist Harry Harlow, who deliberately took baby monkeys from their mothers in order to demonstrate something we easily could have learned (and, indeed, already had learned) by observing human orphans in institutions.

If you are trying to say both of these things -- that humans and animals are similar and that they should have good relations -- then you would have to rephrase the sentence. For example, you could say, "Humans and animals share many characteristics. We can learn much about ourselves by observing them. However, because they are so similar to us, we must take care to treat them humanely and not deliberately inflict psychological harm on them."

There are a number of grammar mistakes.

I assume, from your own comments on others' threads, that this is what you consider useful feedback.

oh, i did not mean to offend anyone, I will be more specify next time. Because my English is not good enough, I thought my advice could be misleading so I kept them short. But since there is coming when there is giving, I will try my best on giving detail feedbacks to others as well.