A paragraph about "Causes of children obesity"

the appetite for junk food and soft drinks

Childhood obesity has become a worrying issue in a number of countries, and several reasons have been claimed for that problem. First and foremost, a majority of children now tend to eat more junk food and soft drinks, and this leads to their unfit body. These children, who gradually satisfy their appetite by eating such food as hamburgers or chips, are likely to suffer from bodily - discomfort diseases. Another reason is that there have remained a sedentary lifestyle and insufficient proportion of physical activities among children over the past decade, hence contributing greatly to their obesity problem. Also, some children have consumed too much time to play computer games or use social network applications like Facebook and Zalo, rather than play sports or doing outdoor activities. Those have done more harm to children and made them incapable of coping with an overweight body. For several reasons aforementioned, children should be educated to raise more awareness about health problems associated with obesity on their regular basis.

Childhood obesity has ... -> you can simplify this to "Childhood obesity has become a worrying issue in many nations for several reasons." It's much easier to read and understand and removes unnecessary words.

"a majority of children now," I would use today instead of now and say consume instead of eat, you can't eat soft drinks. Also, soft drinks could be written as drinks high in sugar content. Note that not all unhealthy drinks are sodas or soft drinks.

"and this leads to," --> leading to their unfit bodies. Plural since you stated children which is in plural form.

Remove comma before who and after children.

satisfy their appetite by eating ... --> consuming junk food like hamburgers or chips

bodily - discomfort diseases.This sounds weird to me. Keep it simple, I think health problems is a better word choice.

Another reason = use "second" instead. It resonates with me better.

"Also" should be "lastly" since it is your last reasoning and to me, it begins to conclude this essay and will have a better transition to your last sentence.

Phan, this is a pretty good paragraph presentation. However, it suffers from confusing use of English vocabulary. Terms such as "bodily-discomfort diseases" do not make sense to the reader. It would be best if you explain what you mean by that. If you are just using the equivalent English terms for a native word, then you should not do that. Instead, you should find the more appropriate English version of the word to use. When you confuse the reader, you tend to lose them because they will stop reading what you have written as they dislike having to figure out what a writer is trying to say. You need to be accurate in your word usage. Also, do not refer to country specific information such as Zalo, which is not a popularly known type of social media across the world. The Facebook reference would have been enough to get your point across. The Zalo reference would once again, have left your reader wondering about what you are talking about. When something doesn't make sense to the reader, he will discard the written material, never to finish reading what you have written. If not for these two specific problem points, I would regard this essay as a well written, informative piece.

I recommend using e-prime. It allows your paragraph to have more specific information. Basically, you do not use any form of the verb "to be" (is,was,are,were,be, been, will be)

For example

"Childhood obesity has increased dramatically in many countries, and (observers) have noticed several reasons why the number of obese children continues to grow."

"First and foremost, more and more children consume soft drinks and fast food on a regular basis. Frequently consuming junk food can lead to obesity at a young age, which can cause an earlier onset of health problems related to obesity, such as type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and sleep apnea."

"Studies have also shown that most children live a rather sedentary lifestyle. A possible cause could involve the popularity of social network applications, such as Facebook or Snapchat, instead of encouraging children to exercise and play sports." (I recommend using whatever apps most people use).

" For these reasons aforementioned, children should learn how to raise awareness about health problems associated with obesity so they can help combat the issue."