'Since I was paralyzed..' - College Essay, give advice

I woke up at 4 in the morning to my mom hysterical crying and me not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to get up out of my bed just watching my mom cry was a feeling I will never forget. When I was four years old I got diagnosed with Guillain Barre which is a sickness that 1 in 100,000 people get. When I first went to the hospital, the doctors did not know what was wrong with me since it was such a rare sickness. Guillain Barre is something that progress over time, so when my mom first took me to the hospital for being weak, they sent me home saying I have the flu. It took a few days and many different tests to confirm I had Guillain Barre. After it was confirmed, it changed my whole life, I had to receive blood transfusions to try to help me gain control again. It was a scary moment how I went from being able to do something as simple as getting out of bed to needing assistance for everything I did. I could not even use the bathroom by myself or brush my teeth or my hair, I could not do things a four-year-old was supposed to be able to do. I had to stay in the hospital for 3 months and 3 different hospitals. Since I was paralyzed I needed to learn how to walk, talk, and do everything all over again.

Waking up one morning being able to control your body then waking up another day not being able to control anything in my body was a scary feeling. Going through this obstacle helped me realize what really matters in life. Health, family, my independence and living each day as if tomorrow doesn't exist. While staying in the hospital, I was around people that were in worse conditions then me. For example, there was a girl named Pricilla who was diagnosed with Cerebral palsy, she is confined to a wheelchair her whole life. I'm thankful for the opportunity to gain my independence again and gain control of my body again. Family is important to me because, through everything I have been through they have always been here for me. They spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years in the hospital with me. For Thanksgiving, my father bought a whole turkey to the hospital. For Christmas, my family brought all the gifts to the hospital and we all opened our presents in the hospital. There were certain days that I wasn't able to eat and if I didn't eat, they would not eat with me. No one knows what tomorrow holds, so you have to live your life as if tomorrow does not exist.

This experience has made me humble and appreciate the value of life. I went from brushing my teeth myself, taking a bath myself, talking, walking to needing assistance for everything. It made me feel weak and helpless at the time. My independence has become such a relevant factor in my life since there was a time I was not able to have it. Some days it is taken for granted because it is so natural to some of us. This experience has motivated me to pursue a career in the medical field. There is one quote in which I live off of and that is "Live, Laugh, Laugh".

Lydia, I can tell that you have written this essay as part of a college common app prompt. I am just not sure which one it is that you are trying to answer. Is it about the background story? I think it would be better if you can provide a copy of the prompt that you are responding to so that I can offer you a better analysis of the essay. You see, sometimes, specific prompts ask for specific information or a certain writing style. I want to be sure that I offer you the best advice possible in relation to the instructions you were given. In the meantime, here is a general review of your essay.

There is a lack of follow through on the topic of your mother crying hysterically at 4 am and you seeing her doing so. Is this a scene that you want to build upon further in your revised essay or would you feel comfortable removing it? I suggest removing it because your succeeding paragraphs do not make mention of your mother and that incident anymore. The focus of the essay went from her, in the opening statement, to you throughout. Which is how it should be.

Now, mind your tense usage as well. When you discuss Priscilla, you do so from a present point of view while the rest of the paragraph was developed in the past. I believe that Priscilla should also be discussed in the same past manner. Keep in mind that your essay seems to be speaking in hindsight so proper tense usage is quite important at this point.

As for the rest of my observations, those will have to wait till I get a copy of the prompt guide from you. I hope these comments can help for now. I promise to deliver more improvement suggestions as soon as I receive the guide question.

@Holt
Hi Holt,
Yes, this essay is part of the college common app prompt. The question is some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. I put my mom as my first sentence in my essay because, I wanted something to grab the readers attention and I thought it would. I would consider removing it but, what would you recommend I replacing it with ?

Thank you for telling me about my tense problems and for the suggestions.

HI Lydia, I do suggest removing that line because it doesn't really offer much of a relation to the next sentence or in the overall context of that paragraph. You don't really have to replace it with anything because your essay is pretty much straightforward from that point. Which is something that the reviewer will appreciate. A hook only works well if it helps inform the reader about the succeeding parts of your essay. When a hook stands alone like the one you have now, it doesn't really help the essay move forward. So it becomes a useless part of the overall essay. If you want to replace it, you will need to come up with an event that is attention grabbing. For example, relate the first instance when you realized you couldn't move without the help of others, you did not understand why, and you panicked. Bring the reviewer into your world and make it as vivid as you can. That is a hook that just might help your essay along.