[IELTS Writing Task 2] Parents with good careers now spend less time with their kids

Parents with good careers now spend less time with their kids.

Is it a positive or negative development?

There is a growing tendency that people who have gained some valued achievement prefer spending their time on occupation rather than on their children. Since that status may worsen the kids' well-being yet strengthen their dependence at the same time, this essay illustrates an impartial stance toward the problem.

On the one hand, parents with an optimal working situation ignoring their children result in the children's health impairment. As for a person at a young age, children usually find it difficult to be aware of their own health and to recognise the problem, even the smallest such as fever. Those little kids need adults, specifically their parents, to help them be conscious of their mental and physical condition. Since parents are older people who have experienced most of those things, they would easily understand what is happening to the kids and how to handle the issue. Without parents' care due to work attraction, children cannot be monitored on a daily basis and hence untreated illness. As a matter of fact, their health deteriorates over time.

On the other hand, not receiving care from parents gradually nurtures in children a great dependence. Being brought up with a light protection, kids tend to realize the circumstance and know which ways to adapt to such a life. Whenever they wonder about something, they have to question other people about it or search for the answers on the internet, instead of asking their parents as they do not have time for a conversation. This means they are passing the process of self-doing, which enhances the fundamental ability to solve other problems in life.

In conclusion, the chief downside of kids having loose bonds with their parents is their abysmal health change, whereas the major upside is the self-developed dependence.

The writer has incorrectly referred to parents as ordinary people in his restatement. Such an error changes the subject basis of the topic. As an incorrect synonym presentation, it will tend to negatively affect his LR score. The reason being that the word does not correctly represent the original and carries a different meaning.

While the writer's opinion basis is well stated, the lack of direct response reference is going to reduce the openon clarity score. The response Skeyword must be present since it will make the opinion clear rather than implied to the examiner. The lack of direct reference will be another deduction.

It is important that the writer understands why his discussion approach is incorrect. This is a single - defense since a decision regarding reasoning support must be made given the 2 choices. Failure to present a proper 2 reasoning defense will result in a reduced score due to an underdeveloped discussion. Scores will only be provided for the writer opinion supporting paragraph.

The opposing paragraph will not be scored and reduce the word count of the essay to below minimum,which will be another set of score reductions. As such the writer might receive a base passing score or less owing to other grammatical issues in this essay as well.

Make sure you ALWAYS answer the question... At least the last paragraph should say in conclusion, yes/no it is positive or negative etc... so the computer can read the answer clearly.

As for a person at a young age, children ...

---> incorrect word use
and your grammar is weak.

Your word choice is advanced, but the way you build sentences is not clear enough. Besides, the redundancy of linking verbs" on the other hand" could mark down your scores. And you tend to write complex sentences. Try to make it simple and answer directly the question. Sitting on the fence makes your essay a bit confused with the examiner.