Writing part 2 IELTS , Average weight of people is rising and levels of health is declining

weak health and no fit

The average weight of people today is rising and their levels of health and fitness are declining. What are the causes of these problems? What measures should be taken to solve them?

In this century, the average weight of people is increasing and the condition of health is getting worse. I think the main cause is the high competition of the society.

People are getting busy every day in this modern society. They usually get up early and come back home late. They spend much time on working, so they do not have much time to do the exercise. Furthermore, because of the highly-developed technology, instant food is common in each shop, such as convenient store and supermarket. People can use the microwave to heat the instant food in a short time. However, there are less vegetable and nutrition in this kind of food. Therefore, this kind of life style is unhealthy.

The best solution for these problems is spending some time on the exercise. For example, we can go home by walking or cycling or go jogging near home after work. Furthermore, we can go swimming to get fitness and go hiking experience fresh air during the weekends and holidays Besides, I think that keep noticing our diet is a recommended method. We can pay more attention to our meal, such as eating more salad and fruit. Eating less sugar and fried food is a recommended solution for making our body healthy.

In conclusion, I think that high stress causes people to have no time to keep eyes on the health and fitness. If we pay more attention on the exercise habit and the content of diet, we can solve the problems.

Please help me with this essay. I appreciate your help.
Thank you so much!

Hi there, a few suggestions:

1. Briefly mention the measures to be taken, in response to the prompt.

2. Each support sentence in Para. 2 and Para. 3 should be closely relevant to its topic sentence.

For example, in paragraph 3 you noted the significance of a healthy diet. However, the first sentence in this paragraph was "The best solution...", which makes readers expect an entire paragraph dedicated to "exercise". If I were you, I would revise the topic sentence into "To tackle the epidemic of overweight, individuals, despite their busy schedule, need more exercise and a healthier diet." I would then continue with the brilliant ideas you have written about.

3. Use less "we" in academic writings.

Hope this is of help:)

@TriceLiu
Thank you so much!!!
It helps me a lot.

May I ask a question about the comment "1. Briefly mention the measures to be taken, in response to the prompt."?
I have wrote the solution in Para. 3 and Para.4
Does it mean that I have to emphasize the solution more?

Thank you!

@chwkao

Yes you can stress the solutions in the introduction. Just like how you mentioned "I think the main cause is the high competition of the society."