People go to college because they need to learn more things about the world - TOEFL

inecula 1 / -

Jun 13, 2013 #1

Hi guys,

This is my first time on this forum, so be gentle if I make some mistakes regarding the postings, categories, etc.
This is my first essay and its part of my training for TOEFL.
Thank you.

"Why are people going to college?

Why did I go to college? First of all I wanted to leave home. I needed the freedom to express myself without the influence of a strict generation. It might sound bad, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I think the need for freedom is one of the most common reasons that young people go to college.

Of course, there are several reasons behind the decision of going to college. Some of them are driven by the avid urge of discovering new challenges, to study new fields. Most of the people that choose to go to college are young people and I believe that these new challenges are one of the gadgets that are putting the engine of the desire to go to college in motion.

This is the more humanistic side of this desire. There is, of course, a more pragmatic need in the back of this change. People go to college to improve themselves and become more competitive in the labor market, the so called prepare for the rabbit run, as a friend suggested the other day.

But this is not all, going to college means more than money and career. People chose to go to college to meet new people. So going to college has also a strong social impact in the life of the attendee. We can take the social impact to even higher institution, the Institution of Family. Yes, some people go to college and they meet there the love of their life.

This decision for attending college does not mean that one sits down and puts this motivation on a piece of paper, glues it to the refrigerator and from now on this is the target: I want to get married with a smart, rich man that will get me out of the house, puts me in a Mercedes and takes me out every day with our four beautiful children to the Country Club.

People go to college because they need to learn more things about the world, because they want to interact with people on the same level. And yes, along the road some of the situations above might happen, but in the end people need people."

vangiespen - / 4077

Sep 11, 2014 #2

Don't worry, we won't bite :-) We are here to help you out and build your confidence towards your skills in taking the TOEFL. So expect us to be gentle with you :-) I have some suggestions and revisions to offer for the improvement of your paper. Here we go :-)

Why did I go to college? First of all I wanted to leave home. I needed the freedom to express myself without the influence of a strict generation. It might sound bad, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I think the need for freedom is one of the most common reasons that young people go to college.

- This is a good opening statement. However, it could be stronger if you provide other reasons for attending college aside from your own. That is because the prompt asks you about the reasons other people want to go to college. By combining both, you will create an excellent hook to reel in the reader. Don't forget to pick a focal point for your discussion and reasoning that will help you give direction to your paper.

Of course, there are several reasons behind the decision of going to college. Some of them are driven by the avid urge of discovering new challenges, to study new fields. Most of the people that choose to go to college are young people and I believe that these new challenges are one of the gadgets that are putting the engine of the desire to go to college in motion .

- This statement could be merged into the introductory statement.

This is the more humanistic side of this desire. There is, of course, a more pragmatic need in the back of this change. People go to college to improve themselves and become more competitive in the labor market, the so called prepare for the rabbit run, as a friend suggested the other day.

- I suggest you further develop this idea of yours from a pragmatic point of view. How does college satisfy this need to improve oneself? Can't he prepare for the labor market simply by learning on the job? After all, part-time workers are also preparing for the job market in a way.

This decision for attending college does not mean that one sits down and puts this motivation on a piece of paper, glues it to the refrigerator and from now on this is the target: I want to get married with a smart, rich man that will get me out of the house, puts me in a Mercedes and takes me out every day with our four beautiful children to the Country Club.

- Clarify if you mean the description of marriage as a sample of a refrigerator target. It seems out of place in the essay.

People go to college because they need to learn more things about the world, because they want to interact with people on the same level. And yes, along the road some of the situations above might happen, but in the end people need people."

- How does the need for human interaction drive people to go to college? This does not sound like a closing statement. It seems to be more of a body instead. I would discuss this more and then develop a closing statement that restates my stand on the issue and summarizes my main points.

MarianaS 5 / 12

Sep 12, 2014 #3

As a newcomer too, I understand your excitement but here we help each other. Therefore, gentleness is our key principle here:)

In general, use more general approach while explaining the argument. Of course, you can give some personal examples to strenghten it but only in the end of each passage. In other words, follow the structure outlined below to ensure cohesion of your essay:

1.argument
2.explanation of the argument
3.personal example

Besides, use transitional words, such us firsly, second in order to emphasize the structure of your essay and highlight separate reasons.

Good luck!

hamedmas 27 / 48

Sep 12, 2014 #4

Well come to this forum :)

Please do not use words repeatedly: try to use other substituted words such as since...