Please give suggestion and correction. also, give a predictable score.
Question
Today the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.
To what extent do you agree with these views?
Answer:
Not too long ago advertising was not nearly as popular as at the moment. In recent years the advertising has brought a profound influence on high sales of popular consumer goods. This phenomenon is alarming market experts who argue that this can encourage people to buy a particular product which they do not really need. I have been supporting the perception inasmuch as people are more likely to be hypnotized by advertising to buy goods even though in some cases some people argue that they have found the goods which they need by seeing advertisement.
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Not too long ago advertising was not nearly as popular as at the moment. - Consider taking this sentence out completely, or rephrasing it as a follow up to the introduction sentence.
In recent years the advertising has brought a profound[ly] influence[d] on high sales of popular consumer goods.
This phenomenon [Why is it a phenomenon? Explain why after introductory sentence or consider using a different word] is alarming market experts who argue that this can encourage people to buy a particular product which they do [may] not really need. I have been supporting the perception [opinion, notion, argument, etc.] inasmuch as [that] people are more likely to be hypnotized by advertising [in]to buy[ing] goods even though in some cases some people argue that they have found the goods which they need by seeing advertisement. - Consider getting rid of, or shortening, this statement as it is repetitive of the previous sentence
Advertising will persuade people to buy product [in] which they actually do not really need This is because a [the] content of the advertisement[,] which [may] consists of song, short movie, or pictures[,] has attracted people to buy what the advertisement promotes.
As a straightforward example, stopwatch product which is advertised by screen entertaining devices has been persuading people to buy that kind of product. - Consider rephrasing this sentence to include a clear explanation of "stopwatch product." Currently, this sentence is very confusing.
As a result, the stopwatch company has raised the highest sales for several years. Another instance can be seen that [in the] advertising [advertisements] of [used for] Sony Aiwa, a radio product which can connect to Bluetooth, [end sentence]. [Advertisements] is completely encouraging [encourage] a [large] majority of Indonesian youngsters to buy the electronic[,] whereas they do not need the product [for use] in their predictability of everyday life.
On the other hand - this is not the best way to begin a new sentence, consider cutting it out or rephrasing it.
...several communities are helped to find a particular thing they need by seeing an [need-specific] advertisement. Owing to a main purpose of advertisement, people are informed particular products to their needs. - Rephrase.
To illustrate, a group of radio announcers in India argues that they are really helped to find [from the use of] a portable radio [such as] Sony Aiwa[,] which can connect to their mobile phones. So as to [Regarding the] usefulness of the product, nearly 90% broadcasters in the country [claim to] use the product to support their duties. - Not incorrect, but try using different words. Thus, the company [in ownership] of the product gets [gains] a higher profit because of the higher [enhanced, boosted, etc.] sales of the product. More evidence of this case is provided by [a] survey which was conducted by California University in 2013. The result shows that third quarters American citizens agree that advertising helps them to find the right particular product which they need. - Be sure to properly cite and credit outside sources! A good tool for APA and MLA guidelines is the Purdue OWL, free online.
The aforementioned evidence shows that the power of advertising has been [the ability to] evoking [evoke] people - try using a specific word to suggest someone who buys- to buy products they do not really need[.] everal people, however, argue that advertisement [advertising] is completely helpful [when searching] for finding a certain product. It is imperative that the people should be selectively choosing goods that they need by selecting and filtering the advertisement. - Rephrase this sentence. Closing sentences should be precise and directly to the point.
You are off to a good start here. I suggest focusing on your sentence structure and word usage. In academic writing, simple, clear vocabulary does more justice to your point than long, "flowery," or fancy words. As far as the score is concerned, you still have a ways to go before determining the final outcome. Also, there is not enough information to accurately suggest a score. Missing information: Type of paper, style/format requirements of paper, and length of paper.
