The percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and B

the rate of workers in two towns

The graphs illustrate how the proportion of people worked for three distinct sectors in town A and B changed after a 50-year period from 1960.
Overall, the majority of workers in town B were employed to perform sales-related jobs in both 1960 and 2010. While this was true for town A in 1960, this town had manufacturing as the biggest employer in 2010.

In 1960, sales attracted the most employees in both town A and B with the figures of 41% and 72% respectively. The rate of people worked in services in town A was almost one third of the total rate at 30%, 10% higher than that in town B. Town B had the modest proportion of workers for manufacturing with 8%, while that of town A was over three times higher, at 29%.

In 2010, the rate of manufacturing workers in town A accounted for the majority of the total rate, at 64%. By contrast, the equivalent figure for town B was only 24% and sales was the hugest employer with the statistic of 54%. The figures for the services sector in town A and B were 16% and 22% respectively.

• 
  dethiieltswriting.jpg
  

1. I got quite confused with the second sentence in paragraph 2. I think you should restate it more clearly.
2. You might have some inappropriate word choice. eg: "the hugest" sounds uncommon as "huge" itself is an absolute adjective. Also, "the rate of people" should be changed into "the proportion of people" or :the number of people".

I'm still a learner and my feedback might be incorrect, so please correct me if I'm wrong. Thank you!

You are presenting information from 4 pie charts. You must accurately identify the type of image and number of images when required to do so. You should also identify which is chart A and Chart B based on its positioning in the page. When mentioning the proportion, mention the measurement type as well to assist in the visualization of the proportion. It will help complete the summary overview and make it accurate in data presentation. Good work on the data presentation. However, you haven't really shown a wide range of punctuation mark usage in relation to your grammar range. It is limited to only an alternating of period and comma usage. Try to present more complex sentences that use a mix of a semi-colon, colon, among other punctuation marks,