Unanswered [1]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 2


Picture Telling - bout a little boy sitting alone on a swing



jenniferxx 3 / 9  
Feb 15, 2013   #1
Howard was sitting quietly on the swing in the nearby park beside the apartment. His parents were picking a fight again. He felt so depressed that he thought he was going to burst into tears. His parents had been arguing for so long that Howard even couldn't recall the very first argument his parents had started. He is only too desperate to keep hoping his parents could ever stop getting at each other and relive the memories before his father lost his job. Since his dad was quite a restrained man and he never spoke out his need, he was often neglected by others, particularly, his superior. Therefore, when it came to cutting out people in the company, he is the first choice on the list even though his dad was not any worse or less sensitive than any of his fellows. Day by day, his mom could no longer take it no more, so they started to fight and also, his mom was getting more and more irritable due to her tiring double swift work. At the same time, they totally gave Howard no regard as well. Whenever Howard wanted to share some happiness or sadness or madness with his parents, they were always absent. Compared with the old ones, Howard knew better which could offer him happiness. After all, he was no longer happy. Tracing back to the happy times with his parents, Howard gave "happiness" a definition of fancy toys and newest video games. Now, no matter how many toys he had, he knew he would never be happy again if his parents kept fighting and scowling at each other. He came to the realization that, after all, happiness wasn't about shallowness or things you wanted, it was all about having someone you love.

------------------------
The pic is about a little boy sitting alone on a swing.
Thanks for helping. :)

anniesis27 6 / 11  
Feb 16, 2013   #2
I likeYyouessay, I think you could make it stronger by showing instead of telling. Using sounds to create pictures. Use actions sounds like "clash" or "STOP" (maybe the parents yelling). or "bang" sound of the dad hitting the wall in anger.


Home / Writing Feedback / Picture Telling - bout a little boy sitting alone on a swing
ⓘ Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms for professional help:

Best Writing Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳