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hunghoiham 2 / 2  
Nov 17, 2017   #1
This is my essay for IELTS Writing Task 1. I would be grateful if someone here sends me some comments.

IELTS Writing Task 1 - Agricultural Producion

The pie charts compare the production of various agricultural products between two areas of the country. Each region develops different major food.

In the East of the country, meat is the most popular product with thirty-five percent of production. The second highest percentage is dairy, with thirty percent of total agricultural production is produced for consumption. A fifth of the total is vegetables, while fifteen percent of production is for grain harvesting.

In Western region, on the other hand, considerably more grain is produced, with forty-five percent of total production, three times as many as in the East. Meat is one of the top two most popular products besides grain, with thirty-five percent of production, the same as in Eastern area. There is a difference in percentage of milk products between milk products. Fifteen percent of Western agricultural production is dairy, which is equal to a half of the Eastern dairy amount. A very small part of the total production is for vegetables producing, with only five percent.

In general, each area concentrates on different products. While the agricultural commodities is distributed relatively equaled in the East, Western region seems to prefer grain.

(193 words)

akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Nov 17, 2017   #2
Hi John, I have read your writing closely and found a few improvements you need.
Firstly, you should write that there are 4 main kinds of agricultural products in the paraphrase of the statement so that it seemed clearer. Turning to your overview in the last paragraph, you were supposed to present proper information because you could not say that in the east area, all proportions of the products are almost similar. It can be seen that we could found a huge difference of percentage.

I only remind you, John. Your job in writing task 1 is to compare figures shown, not to describe them separately. As I am concerned, you separated your paragraphs based on two areas, whereas if you wanna get a higher score, you have to compare products of agriculture. You can inform conditions of a particular product in two different areas.

Hopefully, these suggestions are able to enhance the quality of your writing. GOOD LUCK
linhluong158 2 / 2  
Nov 18, 2017   #3
hi, I think you can write the introduction in this way "the two given bar charts illustrate the agricultural production breakdown in two areas in a certain country, categorized into four main products..."

You should add more comparisons to your answer as your current one, as I see, merely describes the given figures. Another advice is that I think instead of writing "forty" or "forty five", you can write "slightly less than a half". Instead of "tweenty five", you can say "a quarter".

That's all I want to share. Good luck!
summerlin 5 / 12 2  
Nov 19, 2017   #4
Hello John

In this type of essay, you do not need to conclude, this task ask candidates to describe the information provided. So the sentence in your last paragraph "Western region seems to prefer grain." is not needed. It is possible to lose mark on this, because the graph does not show the reason why grain was produced more. The graph does not show it is because of western region prefer grain, it's just a data tells you the figure.

I hope this will help you a bit.