Proportion of population aged 65+ - The text is IELTS Writing Task1

the numbers of elderly people in three countries

In this figure, the proportion of population aged 65 and over was shown. There are three countries contained: Japan, Sweden, and USA. The proportions of those three countries are all positive; however, the ranking was not always the same.

From 1940 to 1980, the proportion of USA was the largest in the three countries. Sweden was the next, and Japan's was smallest. But between 1980 and 2000, Sweden's became larger than any other country. The proportion of USA was still larger than Japan. Finally, Japan's proportion took the highest place in 2030s. The point deserved to be focus is that the proportion of Japan had a dramatic increase in 2030s. It came from the bottom, and took the first place. It was incredible. Also, the increasing proportion of USA seems flat when compared with other two countries. This figure presented the increasing proportion of the three countries, and the different ranking of those countries.

Hi @ Annie Chen
I suggest you should add an image in order to be clear what you've written. Therefore, everyone can help you

@Annie Chen
Hello there. Welcome to the forum!

Like what has already been mentioned, including the figure next time will help us assess your writing. That being said, I'll focus on the technicalities of your writing because it's quite tough to determine mishaps in your content without the figure visible.

Ensure that the forms of your words are appropriately correlated. What this means is making certain that the forms of the words you are using are consistent across your writing. If you're using past tense, stick with it. These may be small mistakes, but it can dramatically impact the overall flow of your essay, considering that it's a vital and fundamental part of writing.

Please do recheck your prepositional phrases. I have noticed that you have a tendency to misuse this form of speech as well. In line with that, it can also be beneficial if you could look over your usage of punctuation. Notice how you have hanging phrases that do not have specific directions to them - this is mostly due to the misuse (or lack of) of preposition. Once you get this out of the way, it would be better for your content in its entirety.

Let me revise the first lines to show you what I mean.

FromBetween 1940 toand 1980, the proportion of USA was the largest inof the three countries. Sweden was the came next, and Japan's was smallest followed by Japan. ButHowever, between 1980 and 2000, Sweden's became the largerst than any other country. The proportion of USA was still larger than Japan.

Some portions of interpretation are already given. For instance, because there are only three countries, there's no need for to mention repeatedly how they fall in line with each other. This can be omitted therefore. Determining these phrases is critical in writing long-form.

Best of luck.