human relationships can be affected by technology proliferation
The technology development has affected social relationships from person to person. Do the positive aspects of this trend outweigh the negative aspects?
Nowadays, the impacts of technology advancement on social connections have aroused public attention. Although the development of technology is not without detrimental effects, the upside would justify these.
An array of drawbacks can be taken into account the fact that technology can harm real life connections. To some extent, as tremendous advances in technology could trigger the lack of social interactions, it would be detrimental to relationships in real life. In fact, people nowadays, especially young generations, tend to devote a great deal of time to glue their eyes on computer's screens or smartphones without having a face-to-face conversation, which potentially fractures their concrete relationships they have built up. Furthermore, the distraction caused by digital interactions could be blamed for deterioration in social relationships. Plenty of evidence suggests that frequent interruptions, namely checking phones or texting messages in the middle of a conversation, could result in conflicts, contributing to relationship degradation.
Nevertheless, the potential pitfalls of this trend can be overshadowed by some considerable advantages. One possible upside is that the proliferation of technology has made the communication among people more accessible, users with electronic devices can therefore keep in touch with people at ease. In fact, they can have a conversation with others through a smartphone or a laptop, which can promote their social behavior and help them strengthen their social relationships. Another merit could be that people can seize the chances to expand their social circles by actively joining in social networks. This means that it is now possible for them to make friends around the globe regardless of geographical barriers, making them get socialized without inconveniences.
To sum up, it is widely acknowledged that human relationships can be affected by technology proliferation. While advances in technology do come with some adverse effects on social relationships, the plus points far eclipse the drawbacks.
P.S My aim is 7 - 7.5 for writing skill
Try using "effects" instead of impacts in the first sentence, improper use of the word. Other than that great essay! Able to get the point across well, very persuasive
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15460 Since you have a specific band score in mind, it will be best for me to rate your work based on the appropriate grading rubic. This should help give you an idea as to whether you are anywhere near your target band score. A review explaining the score will be included.
TA (6) - The problem with your task accuracy is that your discussions per paragraph remain under developed. Underdeveloped statements are the result of including too many discussion topics in the paragraph instead of focusing on only one well discussed topic per paragraph. There is also a lack of transition sentence use at the end of the paragraphs to help create a cohesiveness between paragraph discussions. In addition to that, you do not strongly advocate for the point of view that you supposedly support. The use of the term "possibly" indicates that you are not convinced that you have a strong and defendable position for your chosen side. Avoid terms that connote uncertainty in your presentation. These essays require you to have a strong supporting argument / evidence for the side you opt to support.
Coherence and Cohesiveness (6) - You have created connected reasons in the paragraphs but you need to work on better using transition sentences to connect 2 ideas within one sentence. That means, you have to train yourself to have 2 transition sentences per paragraph. One transition mid-paragraph to introduce the second idea for discussion (as it connects with the first idea), and a final transition sentence that will help introduce the next topic for discussion.
Lexical Resource (5) - You don't really have a wide range of English vocabulary yet that can help you present a more advanced form of discussion. Some words used affect your word formation in a negative manner. Making the sentence a bit confusing to understand at times.
Grammar Range and Accuracy (5) - You lack a proper balance of complex and simple sentences in each paragraph. You have a tendency to write run-on sentences instead of using full stops. Avoid discussing two ideas in one presentation / sentence to help keep the presentation clear to the reader. You also have some grammatical errors in relation to conciseness that resulted in additional point deductions.
Based on the above considerations, I believe that your current writing skills might be under the 6 scoring bracket. That means, you have to work just a little harder to hit the 7 mark.
Grammatical and Spelling Mistakes:
-Change for "their concrete relationships"
-Take off the article "the" before the word "communication" in the sentence
-The link word "therefore" must be between commas in the sentence
I hope have helped.
I have some comments for your writing as followings:
Good points
- The structure of the eassy is clear and easy to follow.
- It is used a wide variety of vocabulary and linking words
Improved points
- You should mention examples in your writing
Good luck!
Your way of choosing words sometimes is not very clear and accurate
I think it is better for you to use at the opposite end of the spectrum rather than nevetheless
