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The range of technology currently available is increasing the gap between rich and poor. Is it true?



JusRandom 1 / 1  
Dec 20, 2018   #1
I was hoping someone could help me improve my writing for the IELTS. Please help me out with some suggestions

ESSAY FOR IELTS: TECHNOLOGY



Some people think that the range of technology currently available is increasing the gap between rich and poor. Others think it is the opposite effect.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

As time progresses, technology is becoming more integrated into the lifestyle of a common man because of its implications. But this begs the question: Is the wide variety of electronic devices available to us creating an economic disparity in our society? This essay refers to two main pointers. Firstly, how technology is making it easy to access information and secondly, how automation is affecting people of lower stature.

Since its advent, technology has become more accessible by a large majority of the human population making the attainment of information easier than ever before. For a lot of individuals, this has created opportunities to think outside of the box or helped them find their own niche in our urban society, creating a positive feedback loop which in turn helps us reach greater heights of development. This evolution has further helped us attain better living conditions and better economic conditions.

Despite the positive impacts of technology, automation has served to be a boon for people of the worse end of the economic spectrum. As technology advances, many of the unskilled work done by laborers have been automated. This, in turn, destroys the livelihood of such people making it difficult for them to attain money, creating a gap between them and the well-off.

Finally, when we look at technology's impact from an overall perspective, it is clear that it has resulted in equalizing the economic conditions of the people rather than creating a disparity of wealth as it has opened a vast variety of opportunities for people to attain a better earning and lifestyle.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15344  
Dec 21, 2018   #2
Ervin, you have just managed to score a 1 with this essay. You failed the TA section because you did not discuss the essay as you were instructed to. Rather, you created your own 2 pronged discussion points, thus changing the whole slant of the discussion and altering the instructions that you were provided. Look at the following alteration:

Original Discussion Instruction: Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your Discussion Instruction: This essay refers to two main pointers. Firstly, how technology is making it easy to access information and secondly, how automation is affecting people of lower stature.


The two points of view for public discussion in this essay are:
1. ... the range of technology currently available is increasing the gap between rich and poor
2. Others think it is the opposite effect.

Therefore you are to only discuss the "economic" aspect of the topic. That is, whether an economic gap exists between the rich and the poor because of the available gadgets. The question is "does being able to afford the latest in technology reflect the financial status of a person?" It has nothing to do with access to information, much less the effect of automation on people. This is all about the "economics" of acquiring the gadgets.

You decided to create your own discussion method for the topic you chose to discuss, which has nothing to do with the original prompt:
Original Prompt: Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your Prompt: None

You created a personal opinion discussion for the essay that does not align itself with the original topic and discussion instructions. That is why this essay cannot get a passing score. You showed that you do not know how to follow English instructions, that is, if you understood the instructions at all. Based on this essay, it looks like you did not understand the instructions overall.
OP JusRandom 1 / 1  
Dec 21, 2018   #3
Could I be able to change the structure of the existing and then make it relevant to the topic? Because my prime intention was to show the reader that access to information will curb the growth of the economic disparity but in other cases when to let say, a business owner is able to substitute his laborers with machines that do they work creating an economic disparity.

Other than that. Thank you for your response and support. :)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15344  
Dec 22, 2018   #4
In most instances, that could be done. However, since you changed the prompt discussion requirements, your essay cannot be adjusted to address the original prompt. The minute you change the discussion parameters from the original, you cannot go back and change it. That is why you have to make sure that you never change the discussion, and you stay within the discussion requirements when writing your response. Always double check the requirements in terms of topic and reason when you finish writing the draft. You should be able to tell when you have deviated from the prompt the minute you compare the required data with your writing. You are not discussing along the required lines. If it was only as simple as redirecting your thesis statement, then I would have already pointed out how you could have done that. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case with your essay. That is why I did not suggest a correction to the prompt thesis statement as I would normally do.


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