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'the real achievement is when we can help others' - Summarize your accomplishment


SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Aug 13, 2014   #1
Please review my writing. The propmt says "summarize your achievement". Thank you
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It is not by spectacular achievements that man can be transformed, but by will, a saying conducted by Henrik Ibsen go through deeply my mind about what did I achieved. Recently, I already did my job as social worker for 10 months and most of my activity is teaching. Based on my reflection the achievement that I get is not about my successful in teaching local inhabitants but I did lots of lesson from them instead. I find my spirit to study after my idleness after my college graduation. Moreover, local inhabitants here teach me about sincerity and togetherness that rarely seen in urban living. It effects in decreasing my selfishness. They teach to me directly from their daily how to care and aware with the surrounding. For instance, when a village inhabitant hospitalize, majority of neighbor come together to visit and support for the wellness. I think the best achievement cannot be seen by the prestige that we got, but how far it effects in our self developing.

In managing my peer, I also learn a lot about leadership. How to communicates, how to find win-win solution about organizational problem and mainly how to be patience. Often, the ideal ideas contrary with the reality this I learn a lot to emerge myself in my journey to be better.

However, I am working on distance from my family. We separated in different island which is about 1.300 kilometers. This situation encouraged me to develop self-responsibility and independence. While usually my family stay surround to help me, it is contrary nowadays. Obviously, the experience living outside home develop myself become braver and tougher.

In conclusion, achievement for me is not merely measure as the quantity of prestige that a person got, but the real achievement is when we can help other, feel pleasure and going through become a better person.

InfernuS 1 / 1 1  
Aug 14, 2014   #2
1. Overall this idea is okay, but it would be a lot better to substantiate your ideology with some proofs or examples. Instead of wrapping it up in lesser words you tend to give the checker an idea that you may have not understood the topic critically, which is very important

2. You also need to concentrate more on tenses, grammar and vocabulary. Take for example the first sentence itself, ... a saying 'conducted' by.. ,it should just be 'a saying by'..., also instead of 'go through deeply my mind'..., it is 'goes through my mind deeply'... and in the latter most part of the sentence 'did' and 'achieved' are both in past tense which is grammatically incorrect.

So focus on giving more relevant examples, improving your grammar and at the same time enriching your vocabulary!! :)
OP SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Aug 15, 2014   #3
Dear Gagan, About grammar and tenses I strongly agreed with you.

Here my self correction, please give me another feedback

go through

goes

a village inhabitant hospitalizes

to communicates

Often, the ideal ideas contrary with the reality this I learn a lot to emerges myself in mythe journey to be better.

whatdid I achieved

However, I am working on distance from my family. We separated in different island which is about 1.300 kilometers. They live in Palembang, Sumatera and I live in Mojokerto, Java.

it would be a lot better to substantiate your ideology with some proofs or examples

I already try to give some proofs. Unfortunately, it was not well delivered. Would you quote the specific parts and kindly give me some revise sentences. Thank you :D


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