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Education is the best gift, "Greatest personal achievement\accomplishment"


ishkitty 1 / 3  
Aug 7, 2010   #1
Hi! ^___^ I need some help. :DD

My greatest personal achievement or accomplishment is my realizations.

So here's my essay. :D

"My greatest personal achievement or accomplishment"

As I was growing older, I little by little came to realize the meaning of life and the things that I should be thankful of. When I was younger, I didn't give importance to studying or even the gifts given to me. But then, as I become a young adult, and I face the truth and fact of reality, I slowly came to regret the things I wasted while other children were working so hard, day and night just to be able to eat instead of playing and studying like what a normal child should be doing. I know I couldn't help them physically or financially, but I know to myself that I can help them by studying hard and giving importance to the things I have now. That's why I try my best in everything I do to be able to have a good future and to be able to reach out to others in every way I can. Because I believe and have faith that through good education and the perseverance to help, everything is possible. Not only will I be fulfilled, I would also make other people happy through the things I could do for them. I honestly admit that I did not receive any award throughout my grade school and high school years. But for me, the awards received in school are nothing compared to the joy of being able to help our brothers and sisters. Awards such as Academic, conduct, or the recognition given in participating an event is a big help in being able to enter a good college. But most likely, if our only purpose is for self-greed, then these awards are nothing. Education is the best gift we could keep that can never be taken away from us. It is also the best gift we could share with others. That's what I've learned, and that is why I will do everything I can to be able to enter this school and be the best I can be for others and myself.

So what do you guys think about my essay? Do I have to use the 3-part paragraph form?

freezard7734 17 / 209  
Aug 7, 2010   #2
Even though I couldn't help them physically or financially, but I know to myself that I can help themI acknowledged their plight by studying hard and giving importance to thecherishing things I have now. That's whyTherefore, I try my best in everything I do. This way, I canto be able to have a good future and to be able to reach out to others in every way I can.

I think this will get rid of the slight awkwardness here.

Because I believe and have faith(Having both here is a little redundant.) that through good education and theaperseverancedesire (I think this word will be a better choice) to help, everythinganything is possible. Not only will would (Remember to keep the tenses the same) I be fulfilled, but (Remember, "not only" always accompanies "but also" I would also make other people happy through the things (Again be more specific) I could do for them. I honestly admit that I did not receive any awards throughout my grade school and high school years. But for me, the awards received in school are nothing compared to the joy of being able to helphelping our brothers and sisters (Maybe instead of brother and sisters, you can say "our people"... but I completely understand what you mean :) . Although a wards such as Academics , conduct, or the recognition given in participating anby an event is a big help in being able to enter a good collegecan help you succeed (If this essay is for college, I recommend that you don't write something like that.) ., if our only purpose is for self- greed (generally, greed is for the self) , then these awards are nothingmeaningless . Education is not only the best gift we could keep that can never be taken away from uscan keep and cherish. It isbut also the best gift we couldcan share with others. That's what I've learned, and that is why I will do everything I can to be able to enter this school and be the best I can be for others and myself.

The last sentence needs serious revision. If your main purpose of writing this essay is to "enter this school," I believe you have misunderstood your prompt. Try to elaborate on a specific experience and show what you can do for the school. The application reviewers already know you want to go to that school (that's why you're applying, right?), so you don't have to write that in the essay itself. That said, you did alright; but you can improve some things too :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Aug 8, 2010   #3
...the things for which I should be thankful.

When I was younger, I didn't give importance to studying or even the gifts given to me. But then, as I become a young adult, and I faced the truth...

I think you should paste this into a word program and hit ENTER at the end of each sentence so that you can look at the list of sentences. Then, delete any sentences that say something you have already said.

After that, take the 5 most powerful sentences and use them to start some distinct paragraphs. Do not write the essay as one long paragraph. Instead, think of a sentence that tells the MAIN idea that the reader should memorize and remember you by.

Then, use the other paragraphs to support this main idea.

Each paragraph = one idea
One essay = one big idea supported by paragraphs.

Try rewriting this in paragraphs that each consist of 4 or 5 sentences.

:-)
OP ishkitty 1 / 3  
Aug 9, 2010   #4
Okay! Thank you! :)
OP ishkitty 1 / 3  
Aug 10, 2010   #5
BTW. It's a 300 word essay. Should I use the 3 part paragraph?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Aug 11, 2010   #6
I always think of a paragraph as 100 words. Most paragraphs I write are 100 words.
OP ishkitty 1 / 3  
Aug 12, 2010   #7
Oh. The school's asking for a 300 word. :DD


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