IELTS : Reason of being overweight in children is due to fast food outlets or parents

Hi guys

Please check my essay.

I've written long this time which is not good from IELTS perspective as it causes more errors to happen, hence it results in marks reduction. Actually the sentences were coming to my mind and I was feeling that not having them in the paragraphs would leave it in an incomplete state, so I kept on writing and when completed I realized that I had written 345 words.

Please share a suggestion to cope with such a situation.

I am really very thankful for all your help so far and I am observing the improvements due to the corrections and suggestions. For this, I appreciate dumi and Pahan's contribution. You guys are doing great work

Regards

S

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The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health.

To what extent do you agree with these views? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Excess of everything is bad. Same can be said for food consumption as well, as this result in increase in weight. This increase is often seen in the children of developed countries. Some people believe that this is due to the number of fast food restaurants whereas some argue that the negligence of parents is the reason for this. In the following paragraphs I will analyse the both views and provide my opinion.

The people who consider the fast food as a reason for the overweight attribute in children often say that it lacks in healthy nutrients. Moreover the food sold in the restaurants contains a huge amount of carbohydrates and fats. The items such as fries, chips, non-vegetarian burgers and soft drink attract the children and they consume it so often that they start gathering in their bodies as fat. The food items in the outlets are often very cheap and children can afford it even with their pocket money. As it is their business so they will not stop children from having their food but ultimately these items are bad for their health.

The people who blame parents' negligence in the matter of the children's health argue with reason of no cooking at home and overlooking the parental responsibilities. Parents, nowadays, due to busy lifestyle do not cook food at home daily. Instead of they prefer to give a small portion of money in the form of pocket-money to get an escape from some of their responsibilities. This is often seen in the single-parent families and the families where both parents work. By giving money parents get rid of the worry of providing food to a school-going child for its lunchtime. They do not care where the children are spending the money and what type of foods their children are having. As a result bad health is often seen.

To summarize, I believe that parents are responsible to provide healthy and balanced diet, as the other cause which is related to the consumption of fast food items somehow triggers from the parents.

.... very true and good start :)



.... needs improvement in presentation;
People who think that fast foods are the reason for weight gain claim that fast foods contain wrong nutrients that cause obesity in children.


... it's the same idea and therefore you cannot use "moreover" which is used to introduce a fresh idea.


Those who blame parents' for not providing a healthy diet for their children, argue that parents pass their responsibility to fast food restaurants without taking the trouble to prepare meals at home.

Good writing Shaddy,

However, what do you mean by this sentence:
(As it is their business so they will not stop children from having their food but ultimately these items are bad for their health)

I think it should be like this:
(As it is their business so children will not stop children from having their food but ultimately these items are bad for their health)

one more thing, you should work on punctuation as it is important to some test

Good Luck

Thanks guys for the corrections \ suggestions.

I was busy with some stuff so couldn't come here earlier.