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Reasons why adults decide to study and why such education should be shared

MaximKlopunov99 13 / 22 4  
May 2, 2016   #1
Can you give me all your suggestions about my 20 minutes writing task?

ESSAY:The chart below show the results of a survey of adult education. The first chart shows the reasons why adults decide to study. The pie chart shows how people think the costs of adult education should be shared.

The first chart shows that there are seven reasons for adult education. The first reason, interest in subject (40%), is the most important; the difference between the first one and the second one is only 2%. The second reason, to gain qualifications (38%), is about 1,5 times more popular than the third reason. The third reason, being helpful for current job, is about the same percentage with the fourth (to improve prospects of promotion, 20%) and the fifth reason (enjoy learning, 20%). The sixth reason, to be able to change jobs (12%), is higher than the seventh reason (to meet people, 19%) for 3%.

From the pie chart we can see that the coasts of each course should be shared in 3 main parts (paid by taxpayers, individuals and employers). So, the quarter of gains must be paid by taxpayers. Individuals have to pay about 40% of the costs of their course, the rest of price has to be paid by employers.

firebaby 2 / 2  
May 2, 2016   #2
Hello Maxim,

I can say in 20 minutes this is so brief, If you can explain every point/reason in detail it would really be a good thing. You have the advantage of the stats in the image you attached use them to your advantage.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
May 3, 2016   #3
Hi Maxim, here's another one from me, I hope you find it useful.

- forin taking up adult education.
- The first reason,is interest
- into the subject (40%),
- it is the most important;
- reason,is to gain
- being helpful forto the current job,
-it is higher

- So,that the quarter
- of gainsthe proceeds must

There you have it Maxim, I believe the missing points in your essay is the lack of focus on the sentence construction, missing linking verbs, missing the completion of the idea and the overall analysis. Overall, you have the idea and the way to create an analysis,however, you are having a hard time expressing your thoughts in a complete sentence, no worries though, because this can be worked out.
nana77 2 / 2  
May 5, 2016   #4
Hi Maxim
Thank you for your helpful feedback for my essay which was TASK2 of IELTS.

I suppose your essay is really good structure, however I think "so" is not academic word. Therefore, it is better to use alternative words such as "thus" or "hence" perhaps.

Apart from that, other people gave some useful suggestions below, thus I just want to thank you and tell you one suggestion as I mentioned above.

I believe you can achieve your aspiration!

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