Reasons and solutions to school violence

The problem of violence increase at schools

School should be a safe environment for learning and developing, however, school violence seems to be increasing. Where does this problem come from? What should we do to change the situation?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

One of the biggest concerns of society these days is violence in the educational environment. Year by year, there is a snowball effect in the number of cases and the extent to which the victims are undergone by bullying has also more become severely. This essay will analyze the reasons and gives solutions to this grave issue.

It is undeniable that the insufficient ability to restrain emotions is one-factor giving rise to students to abuse another. Yet pupils are not fully developed, they are undergoing the period of pubescence and are incapable of self-soothing, the injuries are irrevocable on their mates. Furthermore, those who are brought up in a dysfunctional family or shortage the affection from their parents are more prone to lease out the trauma by repeating the same things they had to go through on others as a sign of impotence. Take a case in Hung Yen as an example, the bullies are all living afar from their parents, they have no one to breathe down on their neck since the first day of their birth, it is no bizarre they bully as pride and joy.

Actions must be taken promptly to solve this problem. It is worth considering to enhance students of self-consciousness about the degree to which bully affects for all intents and purposes by opening extracurricular classes and let parents be involved in. In these classes, ensure that pupils are taught in-depth of the outcome that bully brings about. At the same time, modifying the schools' regulation, make it more rigorous and thorough so that no one can bend the regulation, make such a mess in an educational environment.

To conclude, society should pay more attention to students' life and put an end to the violence increasingly occurring.

@Heliophilia
Your essay has quite good grammar and the vocabulary you use is fairly accurate. However, the structure is not very clear which may make you lose your score in C&C. Your paraphrase in the introduction is not comprehensive as you did not state the first idea of the topic, you gave a background statement which is not necessary. In some culture, students are taught at an early age to always include a background statement in the introduction but you have to be aware that you are writing in English so do not go around the bush, jump straight to the point

Your second paragraph presented two idea explaining the cause of bullying: lack of ability to restrain emotion and lack of care from family. However, you did not develop your idea fully. I recommend you state only one idea and explain how and why it lead to bullying then illustrate it with example. The same thing happen with your third paragraph. You should try to develop your idea fully.

Your conclusion did not summary your main point. I recommend you revise it.

Your opening paraphrase suffers from improper topic rephrasing and being unable to respond directly to the questions posed by the original prompt. There is a lack of an outline in your paraphrase that is required for the clarity of your discussion / topic outline. The outline shall contain the subject / topic for each of the 2 paragraph responses.

The outline should indicate, per paragraph presentation:
Par. 2: One reason, properly explained with a supporting explanation
Par. 3: One solution in relation to the reason provided. Explained either from personal knowledge, experience, or observation.

Since the discussion topic uses the first person plural pronoun "we", then the same group reference pronouns should be several times within the essay. You will have to use a different plural first person pronoun in every paragraph.

Since bullying and is not mentioned in the original prompt, it should not be focal point of your discussion topic. A more accurate paraphrase:

While academic insitutions are seen as safe havens for students to develop their intellect and other person skills, the reality is that assaults on the learners while at the institution of learning is increasing. Based on the experience of various students, they believe that one of the reasons that this seems to be happening is because of bullying in schools. Their proposed solution to this problem is the creation of anti tormenter programs in the halls of learning.

@vuthuylinh2611
thank you so much ^^