Some one please help me edit this essay!!! am taking my exams in less than 24 hours!! Change my words if inappropriate,tenses,grammer,and anything that is good. Please give your comments and feedback!!!!! I really need it,thanks.
REGRET
I could still remember her face, and the pair of intense eyes framed by dark circles of fatigue, staring at me defiantly from the pallor of her face. She hated me to the core; she cursed me even at the brink of her death. Anguished sobs wracked my body as my splintered heart throbbed out a painful, aching beat. I knew clearly that my regret and remorse would never turn the clock back.
Facing the graffiti walls in the cell, holding on to her favourite doll that I gave her as her birthday present, it reminded me of the painful past that would be etched in my heart forever...
I had lost my job for more than a year. Since then, I had taken up the job as an odd-job labourer. Every now and then, I would go to the bar for a drink. That was the only way to pour out all the sorrows that had been pooled in my stomach. I had four children ranging from three to fourteen years old. Being the sole breadwinner, I could not control my emotions and had been quarrelling relentlessly with my wife and beating up her and the children. How could I make ends meet and raise the family up single-handedly? No one could ever understand the frustrations in my heart that was hurting me both physically and mentally...
"Father! Can you just stop howling and yelling? You are scaring the brothers and sisters! Stop! When can you be back to your usual self?" Jane, my eldest daughter pleaded with me.
"I can yell at you whenever I want! I'm your father!" Adrenaline jolted my veins as I thundered. My whole world was spinning in circles, my nerves frayed and exposed. I felt the urge to punch anyone provoking me. The alcohol circulating in me had radiated intense heat throughout my body. I clenched my fists, all ready.
Jane stood up and stared at me with disdain in her cold eyes. At the sight of it, I crashed my fist into the small-puckered face and sent Jane reeling to the far end of the room. I strode resolutely in her direction and continued to bash her up. Jane was squeaking in pain. I was totally oblivious of the cacophony of screeches of my children, before my wife, Adeline, pulled Jane towards her chest.
"Mike, you are killing her! When can you stop all these drinking and nonsense! Enough of these! I am divorcing you!" Adeline screamed.
I pushed her away and my fists went in the direction of Jane's stomach and face, non-stop. She crouched into a ball on the floor, whimpering in pain and trying in vain to ward off my balled fists with her scrawny, bruised arms, but my blood was raging like a river and I continued to kick viciously at her for her insolence.
"Whoosh!" I could feel a downpour of water from the top of my head to my feet. I felt a sudden surge of coldness as I shivered and gritted my teeth. I felt a stinging slap across my face and what came to my eyes was the sight of a pale, semi-conscious Jane, lying motionlessly on the concrete floor.
Jane twitched. Her eyes began to brim with tears. Her lips trembled and she whispered in an aggrieved tone laced with pure hatred, "I would never forgive you. You drunkard! If I died, you would never have a single day of happiness in your life!"
With a face of misery, Jane finally breathed her last. "You killed her, you killed your own daughter, you ruthless father!" Adeline sobbed bitterly.
My world stopped, my heart sank into an abyss of misery. Looking at Jane's lifeless, frail body, I brushed her hair, trying to smooth the wild hair in disarray. "I killed Jane, my beloved daughter...", I thought as I stroked her cheeks affectionately. I was a murderer, of my own child. Why did I not control myself? My heart was in total mess.
Her death caused my life to turn topsy-turvy. After all these months, her face, with the hatred and vengeance, still remained in the depths of my heart. I felt wrenching remorse within me.
I was sentenced to death for manslaughter. The kaleidoscope of all her childhood images were now flashing through my mind...her impish grin when she played a prank on me, her radiant smile when she had gotten good grades in her studies... I stepped into the gallows, awaiting for my death.
I'm actually afraid to touch it lest I ruin the emotion that comes through. It's an interesting story, and I like your style. The only thing I can think of it I don't think people say 'divorcing you'... leaving you? And the wife seems like a character who'd take the kids with her, mention that.
am taking my exams in less than 24 hours!! Change my words if inappropriate,tenses,grammer,and anything that is good.
What are you worried about? This is high quality writing. Is it based on a film or book, or is it something you came up with? I enjoyed it, and the only correction that seems necessary is here:
awaiting
for my ---- no need for "for"
One other thing... this part might not be phrased correctly: Her death caused my life to turn topsy-turvy.----- it makes it so that the narrator is feeling like a victim instead of feeling real regret.
:-)
WOW, is all I can say. The real, raw emotions that come with such a powerful essay was overwhelming as I read it. I would agree with the two above, the only mistakes on your part was a bit of the grammar, but other than that, everything else was absolutely amazing. I could definitely picture everything in my head. Just... absolutely.. amazing.
