I'm currently thirteen and I'm aware that my writing skills aren't that good.
This is about half of the essay I had written that got rejected by my teacher... can anyone tell me what I can do to improve this piece of writing and what is wrong with it?
Thank you.
Prompt: Regret.
Lucien bounded down the hallways, his hair bouncing with his body as he ran against the wind. His heart pounded to the beat of his feet racing over the porcelain ground. Beads of sweat started to form on his forehead, causing his hair to cling to it as his throat ached for air. Events of what he wanted to just erase from his memory so desperately pervaded his mind, he forced himself not to dwell on the painful memory, but all to no avail. Memories crept back into his mind, temporarily transporting him back to when it all started...
The school itself was breathtaking: the grounds were an endless stretch of immaculately manicured green grass coating rolling hills. The copious flowering trees were always exploding with resplendent blossoms, and all of the buildings on campus were towering, exquisite, and made from elegant white stone. Some of them looked like castles, topped off with towers, wrought-iron gates, and opulently-decorated classrooms that appeared more like ballrooms than actual institutes of higher education. If there was one thing that this school had, it was money, and lots of it.
Many would wonder why a person like Lucien who comes from a low-income family is able to afford the costly school fees in order to attend this school. The reason was simple: he studied and worked very hard at his studies, and as a result, he was eligible for a scholarship to attend the top school in the country.
The walk across the campus grounds to his classroom should have been soothing: the morning sun was low enough in the sky to send fiery hues of color streaking across the horizon, the smell of early morning dew on the grass was heavy in the air, and the buildings around him were tinged with golden halos by the soft warm glow of the sun, all of the opulence was lost on Lucien, however. It was the day he was going to receive his exam results and he was a nervous wreck; even the mere thought of it made him break out in cold sweat.
Thirty minutes passed after going through the daily procedures of having the assembly and the marking of attendance at the parade square, and Lucien's heart was still pounding in his chest like a jackhammer. Soon, the teacher stepped into the classroom, everyone was dead quiet and Lucien could practically feel the tension in the air. Her echoing footsteps were so loud and clarion, they were nearly scandalous.
Her stern eyes scrutinized the classroom for a short while before proceeding to say, "Class, today you will be receiving back your results for the exams." Names were then called one by one for the person to step up to receive their results slip. Minutes passed and it was soon Lucien's turn. "Relax and calm down, I'm sure you'll do great." A comforting voice came from the back; it was Lucien's best friend, Kyle. Lucien smiled gratefully, appreciating the encouraging comment, "Thanks."
Lucien prepared to stand up after the person whose register number came before him received his result slip. However, when it was his turn, the teacher did not call his name! "Miss Ng-!" He frantically exclaimed, wanting to inform her that she forgot to call my name, but he was sharply cut off by Miss Ng before he could even finish his sentence. "Lucien, meet me in my office during the recess and I'll explain." Miss Ng said tersely, she then proceeded to continue what she was doing earlier on, but not without a vicious glare directed at Lucien's way.
At this point, Lucien was beyond confused; he could not comprehend why Miss Ng's attitude towards him changed so drastically. She used to treat him like how she would treat her favorite student, so why was she treating him like as though he committed a diabolical act? It was mind-boggling.
For the next few periods before recess, Lucien's mind was plagued with thoughts that might explain Miss Ng's actions... but it was all pointless as he still could not come up with any idea that could answer his question. Time flew by quickly as he was too occupied in his thoughts and it was soon time for Lucien to go and meet Miss Ng. Since he was not able to go have recess with Kyle, Kyle told him that he could come and find him in the library after meeting her.
Lucien raised one hand and knocked on the mahogany door, upon doing so, he immediately regretted it as he was not prepared for whatever Miss Ng had to say. What if it was some terrible news?
However, much to his chagrin, the door swung open almost instantly, and he was greeted by none other than Miss Ng. "I've been expecting you, Lucien. Come in and have a seat." She said neutrally, but her expression told a different story. She was looking at him with that same distasteful glare earlier in the morning... but this time, why did he feel that there was a tinge of disappointment hidden beneath under that glare?
Miss Ng stepped aside from the door, beckoning for Lucien to come in with her hand. Lucien tentatively stepped into the office and decided upon seating on the leather couch that was situated closest to the door. He was soon joined shortly Miss Ng, who chose to seat directly across him and this only made Lucien more anxious than he already was.
"Lucien... I really don't know where to begin," Miss Ng sighed, her eyes were glazed over now, undoubtedly, with disappointment. "So I'll just get straight to the point, someone reported to me that you cheated on the exams."
She might as well have dropped a bomb for the impact her words had; Lucien could not believe his ears, someone accused him of cheating! It was a preposterous accusation to someone like Lucien, who studied and revised daily without fail. "What?! Miss Ng, that's impossible! I would never even think of committing such a dishonest act." Lucien protested desperately, appalled beyond belief.
"Then do you suppose that the person who reported to me lied to me with the intent of trying to fail you and get you into trouble?" Miss Ng countered, clearly not convinced with Lucien's justification.
"I don't know! But I really didn't cheat!" Lucien cried indignantly. Tears threatened to spill over, but he held them in check.
This is about half of the essay I had written that got rejected by my teacher... can anyone tell me what I can do to improve this piece of writing and what is wrong with it?
Thank you.
Prompt: Regret.
Lucien bounded down the hallways, his hair bouncing with his body as he ran against the wind. His heart pounded to the beat of his feet racing over the porcelain ground. Beads of sweat started to form on his forehead, causing his hair to cling to it as his throat ached for air. Events of what he wanted to just erase from his memory so desperately pervaded his mind, he forced himself not to dwell on the painful memory, but all to no avail. Memories crept back into his mind, temporarily transporting him back to when it all started...
The school itself was breathtaking: the grounds were an endless stretch of immaculately manicured green grass coating rolling hills. The copious flowering trees were always exploding with resplendent blossoms, and all of the buildings on campus were towering, exquisite, and made from elegant white stone. Some of them looked like castles, topped off with towers, wrought-iron gates, and opulently-decorated classrooms that appeared more like ballrooms than actual institutes of higher education. If there was one thing that this school had, it was money, and lots of it.
Many would wonder why a person like Lucien who comes from a low-income family is able to afford the costly school fees in order to attend this school. The reason was simple: he studied and worked very hard at his studies, and as a result, he was eligible for a scholarship to attend the top school in the country.
The walk across the campus grounds to his classroom should have been soothing: the morning sun was low enough in the sky to send fiery hues of color streaking across the horizon, the smell of early morning dew on the grass was heavy in the air, and the buildings around him were tinged with golden halos by the soft warm glow of the sun, all of the opulence was lost on Lucien, however. It was the day he was going to receive his exam results and he was a nervous wreck; even the mere thought of it made him break out in cold sweat.
Thirty minutes passed after going through the daily procedures of having the assembly and the marking of attendance at the parade square, and Lucien's heart was still pounding in his chest like a jackhammer. Soon, the teacher stepped into the classroom, everyone was dead quiet and Lucien could practically feel the tension in the air. Her echoing footsteps were so loud and clarion, they were nearly scandalous.
Her stern eyes scrutinized the classroom for a short while before proceeding to say, "Class, today you will be receiving back your results for the exams." Names were then called one by one for the person to step up to receive their results slip. Minutes passed and it was soon Lucien's turn. "Relax and calm down, I'm sure you'll do great." A comforting voice came from the back; it was Lucien's best friend, Kyle. Lucien smiled gratefully, appreciating the encouraging comment, "Thanks."
Lucien prepared to stand up after the person whose register number came before him received his result slip. However, when it was his turn, the teacher did not call his name! "Miss Ng-!" He frantically exclaimed, wanting to inform her that she forgot to call my name, but he was sharply cut off by Miss Ng before he could even finish his sentence. "Lucien, meet me in my office during the recess and I'll explain." Miss Ng said tersely, she then proceeded to continue what she was doing earlier on, but not without a vicious glare directed at Lucien's way.
At this point, Lucien was beyond confused; he could not comprehend why Miss Ng's attitude towards him changed so drastically. She used to treat him like how she would treat her favorite student, so why was she treating him like as though he committed a diabolical act? It was mind-boggling.
For the next few periods before recess, Lucien's mind was plagued with thoughts that might explain Miss Ng's actions... but it was all pointless as he still could not come up with any idea that could answer his question. Time flew by quickly as he was too occupied in his thoughts and it was soon time for Lucien to go and meet Miss Ng. Since he was not able to go have recess with Kyle, Kyle told him that he could come and find him in the library after meeting her.
Lucien raised one hand and knocked on the mahogany door, upon doing so, he immediately regretted it as he was not prepared for whatever Miss Ng had to say. What if it was some terrible news?
However, much to his chagrin, the door swung open almost instantly, and he was greeted by none other than Miss Ng. "I've been expecting you, Lucien. Come in and have a seat." She said neutrally, but her expression told a different story. She was looking at him with that same distasteful glare earlier in the morning... but this time, why did he feel that there was a tinge of disappointment hidden beneath under that glare?
Miss Ng stepped aside from the door, beckoning for Lucien to come in with her hand. Lucien tentatively stepped into the office and decided upon seating on the leather couch that was situated closest to the door. He was soon joined shortly Miss Ng, who chose to seat directly across him and this only made Lucien more anxious than he already was.
"Lucien... I really don't know where to begin," Miss Ng sighed, her eyes were glazed over now, undoubtedly, with disappointment. "So I'll just get straight to the point, someone reported to me that you cheated on the exams."
She might as well have dropped a bomb for the impact her words had; Lucien could not believe his ears, someone accused him of cheating! It was a preposterous accusation to someone like Lucien, who studied and revised daily without fail. "What?! Miss Ng, that's impossible! I would never even think of committing such a dishonest act." Lucien protested desperately, appalled beyond belief.
"Then do you suppose that the person who reported to me lied to me with the intent of trying to fail you and get you into trouble?" Miss Ng countered, clearly not convinced with Lucien's justification.
"I don't know! But I really didn't cheat!" Lucien cried indignantly. Tears threatened to spill over, but he held them in check.