Essay about whether we should remove the non-academic subjects or not - revised required

Question: There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays young people have always try to achieve high result in academic subjects due to the thought that those non-academic subjects are not essential. Therefore, they find that removing physical education and cookery would be the best way to concentrate to the subject that they think is important. However, i disagree with this mindset cause we should balance all the subject as all of them are equally crucial to our life.

The most reason why we should keep them equally is that academy is not the only way to earn our future life as physicians or chefs they still make their living and some of them make a lot more than those graduating from academy. In order to show students the benefit of the non-academic subjects we need to give them the actual practices not just the old and boring theories cause even when they do not make money out of those knowledges it still helpful in their daily life.

Moreover, there are some people who do not feel like they can comprehend the academically way so that physical education or cookery might be the second option for them. Other than that, a number of people learn them just because they love that subject. They want to improve their skill so that in the future they will be making money while doing their favorite job.

In conclusion, we could be succeed in many different ways no matter it is in academically way or non. Personally, i believe many people would change their life in a better way by seeing things in this way.

Kindly remember that the word "I", in reference to oneself, must always be written in uppercase, as a capital letter. Failure to do so will be considered a grammar deduction. This is an error you repeated throughout the essay. You should also double check the verb form after the helping verb. This is the error that occurred when you mentioned "... young people have always try (tried)...".

Always remember that there is a reason you are given a chance to review and edit your exam essay before submission. You should have as few errors as possible in the written presentation to avoid the possibility of having a series of errors that would lead to a failing score. In this case, you made errors that would be heavy on the deduction side as these mistakes relate to your grammar range and accuracy.