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Replacing Factories : The map below shows the alteration in an US town between over 62 years


restuanlubis 4 / 7  
Mar 27, 2017   #1

Review of changes in an American town



The maps illustrate regarding to comparing the alteration of American town in 1948 and 2010. It can be seen that both left side and right side of the canal had changed since commercial sector.

In the past, there was enormous number factories, residential, garden and local supermarket setting up at the left side of the canal which is replaceable. In 2010, however, almost these sectors have rebuilt into a specific function such as commercial building were replace from local supermarket. Also, Airport was constructed by replacing several factories. Besides, the garden in which a side part of factory was turned into the supermarket. Finally, commercial building opposite road was erected by replacing residential and local supermarket.

On the other hand, at the right side of the canal. There was a slight alteration of buildings in 2010. Only church which is located in a corner side canal and road has replaced on sports stadium. Henceforth, the number of residential houses all remained stable


  • 1st Pic

  • 2nd Pic

Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Mar 27, 2017   #2
Restuan, the comparison summary essay should have been divided into sectors that represent each sector of the 1948 and 2010 era spaces. That way you could have done a comparison of how each part had changed over time. You have to work harder on developing a summary sentence because the one that you wrote for this essay is very confusing and does not really reflect the kind of summary overview that the graph provides. Your essay should be composed of at least 4 paragraphs in order to possibly gain a better score. Your longest paragraph is paragraph 2. There must be a uniformity in the length of your paragraphs. Each should have at least 3 sentences in and a maximum of 5. The way you wrote your essay is inconsistent with the requirements of a task 1 essay. Both your opening summary and concluding presentation are faulty and short of the required elements. As such, you cannot expect to get a score that represents your actual abilities. The score that best represents your abilities in this essay is a 4.
Anhy chan 12 / 23 1  
Mar 27, 2017   #3
@restuanlubis
Pay attention on your word choosen and subject verb agreement:
The maps illustrate regarding ...
(It will better to say "The maps illustrate the information to compare the alteration area of ........)

... both left side and right side of the canal had changed because of commercial sector)

However, in 2010 almost all of these sectors have rebuilt ...

Besides, the garden in which ... (This sentence is too indonesian, you may rewrite to : Beside that, the garden has been altered in to the supermarket............)

In the third paragraph, the way you explain your idea seems too complicated, in particular on the first sentence.
(You may say: On the other hand, There was a slight alteration at the right side of the canal in 2010)


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