Writing report about "Convenient Computers" - feedback

Hello, I am new in this page. I need help with my assignment.

Computers are convenient and so natural for children and they do not notice that computers are everywhere. This report will explain how computers are convenient in three different ways.

Firstly, computers are very convenient and give people easy access to money. The automated teller machine is a computer and also known as an ATM. It is part of a computer which is connected with many different banks. People can easily acquire money from their bank accounts. People push a few buttons on the ATM in order to take out the cash.

Secondly, computers are used when shopping. People who go to the shop, use their credit card to purchase a stuff. For example, an employer searches for the price of a pair of shoes on a machine. The computer can also read the price of the shoes. People pay by cash from the ATM or credit cards which are read by the computer in the store. Furthermore, if people do not have time to go to shop, there is another alternative that they can buy the shoes on the internet. Online can view, select and pay for products online without the need to go to a store.

Finally, computers are convenient in freeing that people do not need to carrying large amount of cash in their pocket. They can carry their bank or credit card without cash because computer can read credit cards and bank cards. Furthermore, people do not require carrying money from work to the bank when they get paid. However, most companies send their employees' money directly to their bank accounts through computer. As a result, it is a best way because it is safer and convenient.

To sum up, this report has shown that computers are very common today. They are common as ATMs, in shopping and they allow people to live without carrying cash.

Hi Charles,

I think you have to explain three different ways and you have explained more about online banking. In my view, you can add following points:

1. Computers are handy and flexible like iPad, Laptop and iPhone.
2. Computers can be used any where at office, home and industry.
3. Anyone can use it from children to old age people.
4. Nowadays computers is a compulsory subjects in school and also its a part of fun and entertainment.
5. Stores loads of data or saves space.
6. Connects internet which makes long distances short etc.

These are some points which will help you to rewrite your assignment with different ways. You can also add some examples.

Hopes this helps:)

Good luck.

Thanks,
Ana.

Hi,
There is no relationship between the first sentence of the introduction and what you wrote in the other parts. I think you should change it to make the sentences more coherent. You should mark the key words of the topic. The topic is not about computers and children. In the first paragraph you should prepare the mind of a reader about the main idea of the topic.

U used the word "convenient" several times. try to use synonyms
computers are used whenfor shopping
People who go to thea shop
...to purchase a stuffproduct (stuff is not formal) .
People pay by cash fromviathe ATM or credit cards which are read by the computers in the stores
(You wrote about ATM in the second paragraph. So, it is not appropriate to restate this issue in the third one. You should discuss another aspect of the issue in the third part of the essay.)

They can see and choose goodsOo nline can view , select and then pay for productsthemby the Internetonline without the needing to go to aattend stores .

At the third paragraph you are talking about what u have previously explained. In fact, all three paragraphs are conveying the same message. Use various reasons and try to consider different facets of the topic.

At the conclusion you should reword the topic, before stating an ending statement.

Hope this helps
Regard
Ahmad