Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7

Reserve Readings - What did I do wrong in this essay?


Jeannie 10 / 214  
Sep 13, 2009   #1
The syllabus stated, "Post a 200- to 300-word response to the following: After reading this week's Reserve Readings, make a list of at least three pros and three cons of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA), including a brief explanation about each. Given the pros and cons you listed and the HIPAA information you read, is HIPAA generally a good thing? What might you change in order to improve HIPAA and eliminate some of the negative aspects?"

What is wrong with the following
essay? My facilitator took points off for not listing three pros and because she did not understand the last sentence in the thesis paragraph; she asked whether it was a pro or a con. I am baffled. The last sentence in the thesis was a segue to the body as well as the point to my argument. Furthermore, I listed three pros in the thesis...I highlighted them here. Please let me know what you think!

The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) is a well-intentioned plan to mitigate the dilemma of continuation of coverage and the barriers imposed by many insurance agencies to pre-existing conditions in the event of an individual's change in employment status or group insurance coverage. HIPAA also attempts to eliminate privacy breaches especially associated with the current information technology age. As much as the general theory of HIPAA looks good on vast piles of paper, it does not go far enough in the details to be a viable and effective tool for risk management purposes, and the lack of enforcement is testimony to its short-comings.

It is difficult to support the advantages of the pros listed above that are the spirit of HIPAA when considering real-world factors. For instance, the continuation of coverage only applies to those who have a seamless change in employer-sponsored health insurance, but the existence of pre-existing conditions such as diabetes mellitus or hypertension can be excluded for up to 18 months by an insurance company if a patient has gone more than 63 days without health insurance. So, if someone were to begin a new job where the norm is often a 90 day waiting period for insurance benefits, the employee will have been without insurance past the 63 day rule and thereby subject to pre-existing condition clauses. Another consideration is periods of unemployment that frequently last longer than 63 days especially in our present job market. The rules governing pre-existing conditions do not apply in many circumstances so do not offer any real-world protection to the majority of individuals nor do they assist in continuation of coverage for any but the healthiest and most economically secure individuals.

Privacy issues have been a concern for health care providers and other concerned entities (insurance agencies, pharmacy providers, billing services, etcetera) for decades. The practical applications of HIPAA have helped to bolster a re-visiting of how we assure patient confidentiality and address the laxity in protecting sensitive patient data in an information age, but the whole program is cumbersome and no detailed plan was provided in how a company or provider should go about compliance. This lack of support from the federal government in implementing HIPAA at the provider level left most scrambling to figure out how to achieve compliance and spending millions of dollars on a myriad of software programs and consultants. The result is a system run amok and a general burn-out effect. Now, compliance is at an all time low, and HIPAA rules are rarely enforced anyway.

All concerned entities should maintain a common sense approach to protecting patient privacy. Possible mandates associated with across-the-board implementation of Electronic Medical Records will be costly, and other changes that will come from the universal health care package now being argued in the Senate must be considered. HIPPA, though well-intentioned, must take a back seat as our country battles to make our health care system more efficient.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 13, 2009   #2
The way that you have phrased your introduction makes it seem like you are offering only two pros: 1 - mitigate coverage breaches associated with current insurance industry practices, and 2 - eliminate privacy violations. Also, the way you have phrased it doesn't even signal that these are the pros you will address. Instead, it seems like a general introductory sentence.
OP Jeannie 10 / 214  
Sep 13, 2009   #3
Yes, I see now. Plus, it was a really long sentence! How about this:

...HIPPA is a plan that attempts to mitigate problems associated with continuation of coverage, lesson the barriers imposed by many insurance carriers to pre-existing conditions, and eliminate privacy breaches especially associated with the current information technology age. As much as the general intention of HIPAA looks good on vast piles of paper, it does not go far enough in the details to be a viable and effective tool for risk management purposes, and the lack of enforcement is testimony to its short-comings.

Too late for my grade points, but is it better now? I do tend to make really long sentences, and I think my meaning often gets lost in all those words.

Thanks for your help!
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 20, 2009   #4
I do tend to make really long sentences, and I think my meaning often gets lost in all those words.

If you know that you have this problem, why not take steps to correct it? The point of writing is to communicate something. That point is lost if one's meaning is obscured by one's style.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 20, 2009   #5
You have the right sort of structure. The grammar needs polishing, though, and many unnecessary phrases can be cut to tighten up the writing:

HIPPA is a plan that attemptsaims to mitigate problems associated with continuation of coverage, lesse n the coverage barriers imposed by many insurance carriers to pre-existing conditions , and eliminate privacy breaches especially associated with the current information technology age . As much as the general intention ofWhile HIPAA looks good on vast piles of paper, it does not go far enough or have sufficient teethin the details to be a viable and effectivetool for risk management tool.purposes, and the lack of enforcement is testimony to its short-comings.
OP Jeannie 10 / 214  
Sep 25, 2009   #6
Hi, Simone!

True. I have only recently discovered this propensity; I believe it all began with the lengthy word count requirements when I started college, haha! Just before then, I was actually practicing brevity through 100 word essays! Ironic, but true.

Thanks for your comment and instruction; rest assured, I am working on it.

Hi, Sean!

That sentence is perfect! See? But now I have to come up with more info to satisfy the word-count, haha!

Thank you so much for pointing me back to the right path; I think I see my problem now.

I am really good at concise sentence structure, but I am kind of lost when searching for more substantive things to say...so I fill the gaps with meaningless words.

Thanks again,

Jeannie
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 25, 2009   #7
Research your topic more, and spend some time reflecting on it. Once you know the material well enough, your problem will be staying under the maximum word count.


Home / Writing Feedback / Reserve Readings - What did I do wrong in this essay?