Prompt: Discuss any events or special circumstances that have affected your academic record, as well as any adversities you have overcome. (250 words max)
My freshmen year of college was a huge disappointment. I remember feeling so accomplished after my high school graduation ceremony. I completed what felt like the longest four years of my life, was recruited by my top choice college to play soccer, and would be playing on an academic scholarship.
I quickly realized I picked the wrong school for the wrong reasons. Cultural diversity was scarce and I was begging for people to understand me and my opinions. Ignorance and racial tension ran high in the large Midwestern city (Aurora, IL).
From being called a Jap and the N-word, it was baffling to me how people could be so ignorant and oblivious to how offensive it was. I couldn't understand how people could be so misinformed and unaware. I became angry all the time; angry at myself for picking such a place to attend college, angry at my parents for not talking me out of it, and angry at the ignorance of people.
My first season as college athlete was a complete failure. I suffered from a case of mono and sat out almost the whole season. Depression soon took the place of anger and I found myself sleeping more and working less. Eating maybe once every other day and sleeping for days at a time became normal. My motivation disappeared and I felt like nothing mattered anymore.
I know I'll probably have to take some out, and I need get started on a good conclusion. Critisicm is welcomed please! be harsh if you need to. I just want to make sure it is a good essay. My biggest concern is that I don't want it to sound like I am asking for sympathy or pity. Comment, comment, comment, comment please!!!!
Alright. Let me start by saying that this is very well written and in no way does it come forth as a pity party or anything like that. It is blunt and honest and I respect that you did not sugar-coat the sad realities that are sadly still so prevalent in Middle America. I could elaborate on the topic of ignorance but instead, lets focus on your essay. I would have a slightly less harsh opening statement. I greatly admire your strength and openness, however I'd suggest that you consider condensing the negative effects just a bit; for example "my sleeping, eating, and functioning in general suffered due to the depression and ignorance that my life had become squashed by.." or something to that affect. Not to downplay your suffering and/or experience, but to leave room to conclude with the things you (hopefully) still have passion and inspiration towards. Keep the raw emotional truth, just illustrate how you are attempting to, and how a transfer will help pick up the pieces in your life, motivation, and education. I hope this helps. Chin up!
Good job and good luck :)
This may already be your idea for a conclusion but I think it would be beneficial, especially with such a blunt essay, to conclude with something positive like what you learned from all that (ie dealing with adversity, discovering who you are etc). Twist it into how you could make an entirely negative experience somewhat positive going forward. Just my two cents.