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Retail cashier job - my very first job experience


mrszlexilandero 1 / -  
Aug 27, 2014   #1
Hi every one I am currently working on my essay and I know that I need a lot of feedback from the experts. I am always having trouble with my grammar, sentences, and punctuation. I really need this essay to be done as soon as possible. Can anyone help me revised my essay?. It would be much appreciated if someone would help me. This is my essay.

I used to work at MCCS Exchange in 22 Area inside the Camp Pendleton, I work there as a cashier. I remember waking up so early while my daughter was still sleeping, I will grabbed all the things that I need and take them with me in the bathroom so I can get ready for work. A blue polo shirt with MCCS logo on the right sleeves, a black pants, and black shoes is what I used to wear as our uniform. When I got the job I was so very happy because this was my first job. I can still remember the day when I went to the HR office to apply for a job, and that I got interviewed the same day, and got hired the next day. I really felt so blessed that day, because I'm not just having a baby, I'm also having a very first job. I have learned so many things while working as cashier, things like you have to be patient when it comes to a very bad situation, like I remember there's this marine who approached me and ask me, "Where is your manager?, I need to talk to her right now." I said, "I am sorry Sir, but she is not going to work today." And he yelled at me, so I went to the back room and called one of my supervisor. I was scared because I don't know what was going on. But on the other hand I still love my job, and I still wanted to serve those people who also serves for our country.

anthonysw 3 / 7 6  
Aug 27, 2014   #2
Before I begin, I have a question. What is the essay supposed to be about? Is it about an experience of your first job? Is it for a TOEFL or IELTS test or what? I will assume here that this is for another job interview or like a university admission essay.

I can say that you are getting there & you have prepared a good conclusion . You said that you were taught to be patient, but you can be more specific & write more details with the conflict (or as I like to call it, the drama) between you and the marine. But if you cannot find the details or something positive to yourself here, I suggest you change to another incident. I don't recommend to write about the generic excitement of getting your first job, unless you REALLY have nothing else to write about. Try one of these (I assume this will be about your first job):

* What has changed with you before or after you get the job? Maybe there was a customer that touched your heart or made you learn a life lesson. It is excellent if you have a story when you tried to handle complaints by yourself without calling your manager or supervisor. Put one conflict (or the drama) with its full detail into the essay.

* the process of getting the job. How was the interview? How did the HR office looked like and how they feel about you?
*The job's relation to your family, especially with your baby. What did you use the salary for when you take care of the baby? or how do you divide your time between your job & family?

* Why did you want to apply for the job? Why at the MCCS Exchange at Camp Pendleton? Why do you want to serve the people that serves your country?

Other than that, if you still want to keep it this way, let me do some corrections. My comments are in the brackets:
(Do NOT use the word "so" before adjectives such as "happy", the word "like" as a conjunction to join other ideas, or the word "got" if there is a better substitute. It makes the essay look informal.)

(Do not use all active sentences ("I do...", "I eat.."), for more variations, you can use a passive voice ("The HR interviewed me... I was hired the next day."))

I used to work as a cashier at MCCS Exchange in 22 Area inside the Camp Pendleton.

A blue polo shirt with MCCS logo on theits right sleeves , a black pants, ...

(Put this one after the details about what you were wearing at work) I will grabbedwould graball the things that I needthemand take them with me in to the bathroom so I can get ready for work.

I went to the HR office to apply for athe job. (You already knew the specific job you wanted)

I really felt so blessed that day, because I'mwas not just having a baby, I'm but also having amy very first job. (Be more specific about having the baby. Do you want to say that you got the news that day that your wife was pregnant [my wife was expecting a baby] or [your baby was born], and you got your first job too?)

I have learned so many things while working as a cashier. things likeOne thing that I will always remember isyou have to be patient when it comes to a very bad situation.

(Do NOT just say "I love my job." Explain why using the examples in the sentences before this phrase. This will be your conclusion.)

Sorry if I sound harsh or angry, but I just want to get to the point. Hope to see your correction soon or if there is any other people that would like to splash in and help you. I can do grammar, but I'm not an expert at rephrasing or which must go where. English is not my first language after all.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Sep 4, 2014   #3
Before I begin, I have a question. What is the essay supposed to be about? Is it about an experience of your first job? Is it for a TOEFL or IELTS test or what? I will assume here that this is for another job interview or like a university admission essay.

Yes, this is a very important thing.... you should tell us why and for what purpose you wrote this for us to understand the background and give you some meaningful feedbacks.

Here is some advice on grammar;

I will grabbed all the things that I need and take them with me in the bathroom so I can get ready for work.

I grabbed - past tense
I was grabbing - past continuous
I grab - present tense
I am grabbing - present continuous
I will grab - future
I will be grabbing - future continuous

Don't have the tenses mixed up in a sentence.


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