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Task 1 : The root causes of getting broken-heart


Kholil 1 / 3  
Jun 6, 2016   #1
Writer: ACHMAD KHOLILI

Nowadays, for the most part, adults and teenagers are getting relationship with each other. They are of those who are still under 18 up to those over it. They try looking for girls/ boys they are interested in and then getting relationship.

Looking for girls/ boys and getting relationship with each other is one of the people's dreams-especially for those still teenagers and adults. Many reasons are phrased by them. One of the reasons why they have to get relationship is that they wish to be happy and they can undergo this life together; but, we also know that not all of the people get a good relationship with their sweethearts/their boyfriends. They sometimes get broken in the middle. As a result, they get upset and get frustrated by reason of it. The following is some reasons why they must end relationship.

Firstly, someone can get broken with his girl/ her boyfriend owing to no more convenience between both of them. Having a good relationship is not a piece of cake. When she/he has found someone in his/ her life and she/he afterwards gets relationship with each other, she/he is supposed to have a commitment to be mutual understanding. She/he must know about his/ her partner's weaknesses and excesses. From time to time, when she/he gets relationship with each other and she/he deals with some problems either in communication or in other matters in keeping with his/ her relationship, she/he then cannot get them. Eventually, she/he gets dispute and as a result, she/ he must separate. If it befalls, you must have commitment to definitely figuring the problems out together in order not to have confusion and fracas in your relationship.

Secondly, the other side of being broken in relationship is that she/he no longer has satisfaction towards her/his partners. Relationship can last long because of faith to each other. Someone now and then must break his/ her relationship due to the fact that one of his/her partners cannot be loyal. It is significant for you to be faithful to each other if you are getting relationship so that you can get in touch and the relationship will keep in.

Lastly, the relationship can be broken on account of getting bored. This is one of the most influential matters that can make your relationship broken off. Someone sometimes gets bored when she/he has been getting so long relationship. She/he no longer has an eagerness to go on his relationship because she/he has no more affection. If this is the case, you have to consult with your partner in order that your partner knows about your actual feelings. Your partner will enter on you then.

In conclusion, inconvenience, no satisfaction, and getting bored are the main motive of getting broken in a relationship. So, you must be aware of them. To avoid them, you must be able to always have fun with your partners and make your relationship as good as possible.

Please put your comments about my writing!

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 6, 2016   #2
Kholili, welcome to the EssayForum team! We are here to help you by giving sincere and meaningful feedback to improve your writing skills, especially in writing an essay. I hope you find this website is fruitful towards your development in writing. However, you are also suggested to convey your thoughts to other members' essays (peer-corrections) in this forum. Meaningful feedback means not only 1 or 2 sentences comment, but somehow it can be a paragraph or more than that.

With regards to your essay, I am not sure of the format nor of what kind of writing you are doing here. Is it an IELTS essay? or TOEFL essay? or perhaps scholarship essay? What is the point in discussing the causes of people getting broken-heart? are you doing a research or something?

Frankly, I am confused about your writing. Its really difficult to understand them. Therefore, I would like to try to simplify your essay by using my own version. Perhaps you can take mine as your consideration.

Nowadays, for the most part, .................................................... in and then getting relationship.

These days, teenagers and adults mostly have a tendency to be in a relationship with their couples. Most of them are under 18 years old and above. They are interested in looking for a partner and be involved in a relationship with them.

- Looking for girls/ boys and gettingBeing in a relationship with each other is one of the people's dreams-desire, especially for those who arestill teenagers and adults.

- There are manypossible reasons which makes them do that.are phrased by them.
- One of the reasons why they have to getwant to be in a relationship (relationship is not something that people want to get, it is something that people want to HAVE. The appropriate verbs for relationship are enjoy/have/develop/build/establish/foster/improve/maintain/handle,etc) is that they wish to be happy and they can undergo this life(another inappropriate collocation, LIFE is not something that you UNDERGO, it is something you live/spare/spend/risk/save,etc)

- They sometimes get broken in the middle. (in the middle of what? unclear)

Finally I can see that your whole essay suffered from collocation problems. You were forcing yourself to use advance or perhaps less common vocabularies but not in appropriate place(s), and therefore your writing became a mess. My suggestion is that PLEASE be careful in composing sentence(s). You need to make sure that your writing should not only grammatically correct, but also have to be correct in meaning. It is obvious that your first language interfere your writing, most of them do not sound like an English language. It is written in English, but sorry to say it sounds different to the reader. Keep writing to improve your skill. I am waiting for the new one, but please make the title and the prompt clearer than this one.

Cheers :)
akbartaufiq25 7 / 81 54  
Jun 6, 2016   #3
Kholil, I would like to give you suggestions regarding your problem in choosing appropriate vocabulary in your essay. I know that you try your best to construct an essay with many academic vocabularies. A friend of mine is actually facing the same problem. I said to him to read more academic texts and try to adapt the style from the text in your writing. This called as paraphrasing. Paraphrasing is a restatement by using your own words. Still, you need to cross-check the synonym that you used from several dictionaries, specifically to the thesaurus. You will find the appropriate word pairs (collocation), the use of the word in a certain context, as well as the synonym from thesaurus. You can check the online thesaurus as well.

Do not worry of making mistake. I am actually learn many things from mistake. I am looking forward to review your further essay.
Keep writing, keep inspiring. Regards.
OP Kholil 1 / 3  
Jun 6, 2016   #4
Akbar, thank you for suggesting and supporting me to improve my writing. This the first time for me joining in this group. Anyway, that is good advice for me to be better in my writing. Thank you, Dude. (y)
OP Kholil 1 / 3  
Jun 6, 2016   #5
Ichan., Thank you, Dude.
I'll definitely improve my writing. Especially for the collocation. I will learn it soon coz I haven't learnt it so far. Well, this is good advice for me to be better in my writing.

Well, may I have your essay, Dude as my consideration ? I can also learn from yours
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 6, 2016   #6
You can click my profile to see my essays. I had composed 16 essays when I was practicing my IELTS in the last few months. You are very welcome :)
OP Kholil 1 / 3  
Jun 7, 2016   #7
Ichan@ Sip, Dude.


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