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Socialization process. Who influences you more? Peers or parents and teachers?

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 16, 2015   #1
any suggestions are welcomed. Thanks in advance for your help

Topic: Some people think young people are more influenced by their friends than their parents or teachers. Do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion

Socialization process is defined as a process through which a person's personality and self-esteem are moulded. The main influences of peer groups, teachers and parents are counted as the elements plying roles in the socialization. However, some people believe that the interaction of young people with individuals at their own age groups has the most significant effects compared to other aforementioned factors. I totally disagree with this opinion and I think parents and even teachers are more influential on youngsters due to several social reasons.

Acioncion 3 / 11 2  
Jan 17, 2015   #2
Hi Ah Zafari! Telling the truth I am not a native speaker too and my English is not so good. But I found in your essay the same problem as I have in mine, you use simple sentences and simple lexicon.

You have some typos as "plying roles", "aforementioned factors", just read essay one more time and you will be able to correct them.

persons's personality (I think you can omit person's)
The main influences of peer groups, teachers and parents are counted as the elements plying roles in the socialization. I would write: Influence by peers, teachers and parents is the main key in the socialization.

young people with individuals at their own age groups - interaction of young people with individuals of the same age
Children imitate the way their parents speak, eat, or even laugh. I am not sure but I think is better to say and even laugh .

juveniles - maybe just say teenagers
In other words, children and juveniles acquire what they receive from the atmosphere they live in. I understood what you want to convey, but maybe you can paraphrase this sentence. In other words, children often become similar to the surrounding people

Since they are in contact with their parents for the majority of their time, since they spend the majority of their time staying with parents

It seems to me that you use too many different words describing young people, you can stop on 2 or 3. Pay attention to overused words: copy older people. Teachers are among of those peopleteachers teach , fact

among of those people
In conclusion, there is always a hot debate over the roles played by peer groups, teachers and parents in the young people's social behaviour. this sentence is incomplete, you can add but... and your attitude.

not deniable - undeniable
Acioncion 3 / 11 2  
Jan 17, 2015   #3
Hope it can help u
Best wishes
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 17, 2015   #4
Socialization is already known as a process therefore, to say

Socialization process is defined as a process

is a redundancy. Rather than saying

children and juveniles

use the term "youngsters" instead as that term encompasses the under-aged members of society in general. Your paragraph about the teachers is also just one long redundant paragraph. Try to rephrase the topic being discussed in such a manner that you offer more than just the example of teachers as role models. Perhaps explain how they are seen a 2nd parents and advisers by the students, who seek their opinion as a 2nd opinion depending upon what their parents say and do in their observation. Your statement about family culture and tradition is quite short and looks under developed. So you need to beef up that statement. One way of doing that is by using your personal experience as a solid example of the way teachers and parents have positively influenced your life, discussing in a very light manner the kind of positive or negative influence that your peers / friends have upon you as well.
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 17, 2015   #5
Socialization is already known as a process therefore, to say
Socialization process is defined as a process
is a redundancy. Rather than saying

Thanks Luisa. I don't really want to be defensive about what I wrote and I totally agree with all your valid comments, but the term "socialization process" is commonly used by sociologists and it is used in this way.

Thanks again for your help. I'll try to rewrite this essay later. Just one question do you think my essays are weak in terms of vocabulary and grammar? lexical resource and grammar are really important and I need to know at what level I am. If you want to score them out of 9, what mark it would be? Thanks
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 17, 2015   #6
I'd score you an 8 in this essay. Mostly because of the existence of redundancies and yes, even if sociologists use the term socialization process, you as the writer, must learn to read and realize when a redundancy will and does exist in the sentence / paragraph and be able to correct it in order to make the essay readable in a grammatical sense. That is a part of the skill that one develops in advanced English writing. If you want to use the sociologist term and still avoid redundancies then pull out a synonym list, look up process and use an equivalent word such as "method" in place of "process". That way you eliminate the possibility that the reader will develop what is known as "reader fatigue" from the use of repeated terms. Your lexical sources should include a dictionary for the meaning of the word and a synonym and antonym book / website in order to help you learn more English words, its proper usage, and expand your English vocabulary as well.
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 17, 2015   #7
thanks for your quick response. If you are a teacher u must be a kind and generous teacher, since I think 8 is too much for me :))) I score myself much less than this. Thanks again. Hope you can go through the new version of this topic that I'm going to post here tomorrow. Your comments help me to find my weak points :)
OP ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 17, 2015   #8
Here is my second effort. Hope this one is better than the previous one :)

We may logically think we select our paths in life. However, a precise examination of people's lives reveals that there are always hidden social forces that steer them toward a direction they are at now. These forces can be peer groups, parents and teachers, moulding our personalities, social statuses, and self-esteems. Nevertheless, some people believe that among these influences, peers play the most pivotal role in anybody's socialization. In my perspective, however, parent or schools, in particular teachers, affect our social life more significantly due to several social reasons.

To begin with, parents are the first, and the most effective role models for youngsters. Children imitate their parents in everything, including the way they speak, laugh, eat and interact with other people. For example, verbal fights are inseparable parts of the atmosphere of low social class families. As a consequence, a child raised in such an atmosphere will be an angry person with low socialization skills.

Second, parental heritages, such as culture and religion, are other elements that influence a person's socialization. To be specific, a girl who grows up in a Muslim family is obliged to cover her hair even if she lives in a free country like the US. In other words, what a person acquire from his/her family is almost invariable, even by living in a society with utterly different social norms.

Finally, schools are known as second homes of young people, where their social life expanded. The activities they need to do at schools teach youngsters how to behave in a more formal environment. For instance, students learn how to talk to a teacher, principal, or other staffs. Furthermore, the tasks required by teachers in forms of group works or different projects make students disciplined and responsible for what they are asked to do.

To sum up, although it is believed that communication of young people with individuals at their own age groups is the strongest social force exerted on youngsters, I think socialization is more under influence of parents and teachers. In fact, if we seek a better society, we need to lead families and schools to right directions to provide us with a better generation with a brighter future.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 17, 2015   #9
Okay, in your introductory paragraph, you mean to say "parents and schools", not parents or schools. Notice that throughout the rest of the essay, you present evidence of how these two groups influence the social perspective of a child. So you need to clarify your introductory paragraph in that respect. Your line of reasoning has vastly improved and shows that you now have a better understanding and analysis of the issues contained within the prompt. I believe however that the essay lacks the representation of peers as a social influence of children. You must present a discussion of how friends influence those closest to them in their age group as well. Consider the cases of bullying and the social ramifications of these relationships as part of the discussion in order to balance the discussion. Remember that your essay will best be served by addressing all the aspects presented in the prompt prior to your conclusion which, should reiterate your stance on the matter. As a simple essay discussion of the topic, this is well written although a bit lacking in development of ideas, I would give a grade of 6 to.
Acioncion 3 / 11 2  
Jan 17, 2015   #10
Again my English is no good at all, so I am not sure about my comments. ))))
The second essay is very interesting as it includes a lot of examples.

I found one typo parent or schools, parents

I think you can use single instead of plural talking about schools. schools are known as second homes of young people
I completely agree with your last sentence. It's true that only high level education can have dramatic effect on development of society, that's why our government should spend more money on education rather than military force.

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