'spending twelve years at high school' - Student Should Work Part-time While Studying

Mostly, the students starting attend the universities as the freshmen are always looking for part-time job. While studying, doing the part-time job doesn't matter if it doesn't effect to their studying. Experiences, salary, knowledge are the advantages of doing part-time job.

Seeing thing differently, all the people have different view about part-time job. Some of the students and their parents feel that working while studying is effect to their improvement of studying. In contrast, in my point of view I strongly prove the university student to start working while studying. It won't effect to their studying if only they can make balance between the time to work and study. I'm sure that working and studying at the same time, sometimes, can make them exhausted, but it's also giving them back a lot of benefit.

Firstly, student can get both knowledge and experience at the same time. The real experience at which they get in the work place can fulfill their lack point at university. Knowledge which they get day by day, include the experience are also the best way to master their major at the university. Without doubt, when they graduate from the university they will get both bachelor's degree and four-year-experience.

In addition, they can get the salary for fear that they can save or pay for the school fee. Without asking money from their parents, they might become an independent people who can earn the money to support the family or for themselves either. As what I am thinking about, try to work and find the money on their own is also the part of goodness things which they can do to repay their parents kindness. The parents must be very surprise if their child buys the present for them with their own salary, for instance.

More than this, they can show the ability and knowledge that they have spending twelve years at high school with the large amount of money; it is also the suitable time to show up their real ability. The parents must be very proud of their child when their child becomes a high ability person.

We, the students, should take time to find the part-time job which suitable to our ability rather than spending the spare time with the worse things. In short, I strongly believe that working and studying at the same time are providing a lot of benefits to the students.

---> The structure of the sentence is not good. Revise it.

I do not know what is the topic. Is that an "agree or disagree" one? is that a question about two opposite views? Please write the topic. Anyway, in the introduction you mentioned some positive aspects of the issue, but in the second paragraph u started the body with this statement that :"different people have different views with regard to the topic". I think the coherency of the essay is not good because I, as a reader, could not find a reasonable trend in your essay.




U should write this part of the essay in the introduction. Organize your essay according to the template that I wrote below:
1) introduction :Motivator + Thesis statement (reword the topic) + Your opinion + blueprint(the points that you want to argue in the body)
2) Body : Write the reasons why you are in agreement/disagreement with the topic through at least two paragraphs.
3) conclusion : Restate the thesis statement+ clincher


First of all, do not use contractions in writing. Second of all, the word "effect" is a noun and u cannot use it as a verb.

Thanks for your comment!

Better to state your opionion in the thesis statement.

Topic: People tend to believe that all young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work for the good of the community. Do you agree or disagree?

In recent year, unpaid work has become increasingly common in the society to encourage young people to work as volunteers for non-profit organizations and the community. In my opinion, I agree that the young ought to take part in unpaid work which is useful for the community and themselves as well.

Supporters of learning of the young would like to argue that the young should prioritize their education at schools which will help them to obtain good academic results. However, it is undeniable that these unpaid jobs will also equip them precious experiences and exercise skills for their future career. Most of the young that are volunteering have little social experience, as they spend much of the time at school. Working with others and interacting with people from all social backgrounds, they can enhance their abilities of problem solving, communication and teamwork. They are thus better prepared for the public life in the future.

It is sometimes said that the young people deserve to attain the salary when they work as they also have to spend on daily travelling and living expenses. Nevertheless, the benefit of volunteer work of also wake up the young's motivation of interest in helping poor, disabled and homeless people in their community and help them to use their free time more effective which help avoid the unhealthy activities such as over-playing games, and addicting drugs. Moreover, working unpaid jobs will help unlucky person to feel warmness, care and love from the community for them as well as reinforce national solidarity sprit in the society against individualism and egoism emerging between people.

In conclusion, from above clearly foreseen benefits, I believe that the young adults should participate volunteer work which enrich both working and social sill of them as well as contribute the social development. However, it is worthy note, the young must be well-controlled to balance their learning at school and working unpaid social jobs.

Please help me correct my writing. Thank you in advance.

Beibeibajin: Thanks... I will improve it!

I think you should find others ways to start sentences instead of in additon or in contrast.

Hi PBP!

Did you comment for me or Gach Hong heng?
If for me, thanks. However, I am confused your work? What do u mean when you say I should find others ways to start sentences instead of in additon or in contrast.

Please help me to explain more detail? Thanks

Once again, thank you

Minh Ha