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"Should state college tuition be free?" Hi All, Can you help me to correct this paragraph

Ashkan123 12 / 33 2  
Aug 1, 2017   #1

I need to improve my writing skills.That's why I write every while and post it here.can you tell me my grammar and structure mistakes? This would be the introduction for my essay.

Should state college tuition be free?

Nowadays, every job has become more and more complicated. It desires unique skills and knowledge to handle it. In this regards, if you are a person who always wants a better salary and higher position, you need to take some courses in college, and you need to graduate from accredited school. But School is not free, and you have to pay the tuition, which is not cheap. Some people think schools should be free and tuition should be paid by the state from taxes, while others believe it should not be free and people should pay for what they 've been taught. During this essay, I will explain reasons people of both sides have brought, and then I describe my opinion as well.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,562 3753  
Aug 1, 2017   #2
@Ashkan123 Are you writing just the introduction to a task 2 IELTS test? Or are you writing just for the sake of practicing. Your paragraph contains a line of run-on sentences. So you need to learn how to write shorter sentences within the 5 sentence limit. There is also the problem of you offering information in the opening statement without thoroughly developing the thought process and explanation. Make the opening statement just a restatement of the problem and the discussion points required along with the discussion method. Information presented in the opening statement cannot be well explained so you just have to present general terms in the introduction with the body of paragraphs containing the actual information you wish to discuss. In this case, your mistake was thoroughly presenting a little developed analytical discussion of the actual facts for discussion in the body. Don't make that mistake again regardless of whether it is for an English practice test or an actual research paper. In the meantime, here is my take on your opening statement. Please take note of my instructions for your succeeding opening statement discussion practices.

These days, employers have become more demanding of their employees. Each job now has complex requirements that require more than a rudimentary knowledge of a business or technical function. Each employee must have a specific skill set and advanced knowledge in certain areas of their profession. As such requirements now exist, an employee needs to be a college graduate with a major in his professional area. The problem, is that college is not free. Tuition fees are prohibitive in costs. Since people pay taxes to the government, some tax payers believe that their tax money should subsidize their or their children's college tuition to the point where enrolling in college becomes free for the student. Other taxpayers though, believe that subsidized or free education is not proper due to some financial considerations. In this research essay, information pertaining to both sides of the discussion will be presented for the consideration of the reader along with my personal insight on the matter.
OP Ashkan123 12 / 33 2  
Aug 2, 2017   #3
Is this better ,How can I make it better?

Over 6o% of Americans believe college should be free. Nowadays, each job has become more complex, demanding a unique set of skills. The best way and easiest way to learn new skills is attending to school. However, In united states, schools are not free, and usually tuition is high. Some people believes schools should be free, and tuition should be paid by states from taxes, while others hold the idea education should not be free and people who learn something should pay for it. In this research essay, the argument of both sides of discussion along with my point of view were presented.
Wendy0604 3 / 7 2  
Aug 4, 2017   #4
I have checked your latter essay and here are some advice for you.

Based on the last sentence you wrote, I assume that this paragraph is the introduction for an essay. However, the first sentence "Over 6o% of Americans believe ...." is kind of strange to put in, since you just directly answer your essay question without any leading beforehand. I suggest that you can make the sentence "Nowadays, each job has become more complex,...." to be the first one. The opening should start with a general thought.

1. The best way and easiest way
2. Some people believes believe schools ...

The subject in the last sentence is way too long which would mislead reader's view. I suggest you shorten the subject " the argument of both sides of discussion along with my point of view".
OP Ashkan123 12 / 33 2  
Aug 4, 2017   #5

Pros and Cons of Tuition-Free College (2nd Paragraph)

Many people believe If college becomes tuition free, it provides more chances for the new generation to learn new skills and it helps them to find a better job opportunity. It also benefits the society by increasing the average literacy. People with higher education usually have better interaction with their surrounding environment. They know how to discuss with others, and how should they get what they need. Supporters of this idea also think that even if some of the people, who goes to school, couldn't find a chance to use all skills they have learned in school, it still helps them to improve their life style. For instance, if you study math and physics, it might not help you in your real life directly, but it helps you when you want to make tough decisions since you trained your brain how to solve problems.
phongbilly 2 / 4 1  
Aug 4, 2017   #6
I suggest that you should post your whole essay for better understanding. In this paragraph, you should provide the reader with a little bit more about what the avarage tuition is now, so you can compare how tuition-free college can provide more chances for ppl to get in. And you should find some more pro point in tuition-free college
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,562 3753  
Aug 4, 2017   #7
Ashkan, you have the worst practicing method for an English test. Do you know that as an academic consultant, I am unable to follow the flow of conversation in your essay because you are not posting it in full for me to review? You are wasting my time because each time I review your essay, and this time, you did not even bother to provide the prompt again and include the first paragraph that you wrote, I have to recall what I advised you the first time? This essay sounds like a new opening statement to me.

It does not feel like it is part of a real essay. It feels like another draft of another opening statement. It does not gel well with what you previously wrote. Always write your essays completely so that you can be given an accurate review of your overall work. You are not helping yourself when you have me check your work by paragraph.

You also tend to get confused. Which is why your current paragraph became a misdirected opening statement instead of a body paragraph of the original prompt. I would like you to completely write this essay first, then come back here and then ask for a complete review. It is impossible to give an accurate review of your work in this manner. It simply is not done. This method of writing is not helping you nor developing any of the skills you need to master before your test.

Don't be afraid to post the whole essay. Good or bad, that is the work that you developed and I can help you become a better writer from that point. Not from this point you have given me to work with. My apologies for being so blunt. This is the only way I can help you realize how much time and potential you are wasting by working on your practice tests this way.
OP Ashkan123 12 / 33 2  
Aug 4, 2017   #8

Thanks for your advice.I was trying to write one paragraph each time so I can get benefit from grammar correction since it is easier to edit 1 paragraph rather than whole essay. But from now on, I will upload whole essay together.

Thanks again

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