Too strict rules for young people? What do you think? - TOEFL IBT

With the upcoming test, please give me some feedbacks :((( thanks a lot for helping me!!

Problem:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict.

the development of adolescents slowed by restrictions?

Answer:
Even in modern societies, parents or relatives still tend to arrange each and every aspects of young people live from the college they are entering in to the major they select. In my perspective, those kinds of rules are too strict to follow since we have different interests or hobbies from the elderly. Besides, the rules may strongly restrict our development of independent and responsibilities in the future.

First of all, parents always ask for perfection but overlook the effort young people have made so far. For instance, when I was in senior high school, I was major in Chemistry and even got the outstanding award of Chemistry. During the mid test, I got 90 in that test which was the highest score among the whole class. However, believed that I can do it better, my mom felt unsatisfied and forbidden me to hang out with classmates for fun. For the expectation of the societies, I consider it unreasonable to obey. Moreover, the time making something from excellent to perfect is much more than you imagine. In other words, we can spend the time to learn another thing.

Secondly, making a choice for young people is a controversial topic too. Parents usually do decisions by their experience and expect that the choice will give you a promising future. To put it into the realistic, some of subjects, such as electronic engineering or computer science, would be greatly recommended for young people to study. Just like an old saying said that ''Interest is the best teacher''. Out of interest, we would keep further academic researching. However, without any interest on it, the studying would be a tedious and repetitious information engrafting process.

To sum up, making too much choice and asking for the perfection of academic performance, parents' requests are unreasonable. Both of the above examples would obviously restrict the development of adolescents.

I have to say that you are very good at describing words and examples and your idea is excellent.
And here is some my tiny small tip that i also want to give you in order to enhance your vocab and many things like that :):

- Interest sometime should be passion :) ( because i see interest is repeated )
- "elderly" in your intro is wrong word and not really worth to select, i recommend you use from the "childhood" or "beginning" or some thing like that

- i know the time is fast but in the second paragraph, the effort OF young people, u missed the "of" word :)
And of course, i am just a student and these are just tiny small tip i want u to see, maybe sometime they wrong but... good luck !

Lilo, the discussion is focused on a general perception of rules. Societal rules are not the same as parental rules, which you chose to focus on in your essay. Societal rules have more to do with how one behaves in public and how one deals with his elders or shows respect. It is not part of the rules that your parents have placed upon you.

Your essay is not focused on the correct discussion, a public society regulation as implemented by societal elders. You are focused on the rules and expectations of your parents and relatives instead. I don't think you can score higher than 2 because of this error. You have response to the task is limited in development which uses incorrect examples for its reasoning. There are also word usage and sentence development errors that all added up to this end result.

@Dang Khoa
I really appreciate your recommendation!!
Especially the "interest"
Thanks for reminding me:)