In this day and age, most young people may receive the most comprehensive education in their youth. All general knowledge in terms of chemistry, physics and literature are transmitted fully to each student. Some argue that they just focus on those majors, which they are keen on and talented in, but in my opinion, I strongly believe that each teenager should study all subjects as thoroughly as possible.
Firstly, there is an undeniable reality that most people are not totally perfect. It means there are some fields in their life that they are extremely talented in and best at, but recording to the others, they seem to express their ability as an ordinary individual. Therefore, spending limited time on learning those subjects, which are not their strength, for some people, is an extreme waste to some extent. Moreover, in this modern day, several people, even young bloods, have to suffer from a hectic schedule, be drowned in heavy workload and buried under textbooks. Thus, they are not able to have enough time to study all these subjects.
In spite of the aforementioned reasons, concentrating on total majors brings various benefits to students rather than only studying some subjects they are into or talented in.
First and foremost, equipping themselves comprehensively and fully with knowledge is extremely essential and vital for each student's future. To explain thoroughly, everybody knows that the future is unpredictable and unforeseeable; therefore, there are some unexpected situations happening, which are out of the knowledge of several subjects, which are only focused on. That is why studying all subjects equally is one of the best ways to avoid and deal with these unpredictable challenges and difficulties. Furthermore, becoming an academically comprehensive individual provides and offers more numerous career opportunities for young people because the company recruitments require candidates to have knowledge in most areas.
In conclusion, although some people think that teenagers should focus on the subjects they are interested in and best at, becoming a comprehensive student is totally a greater option for young bloods.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15168 Some argue that they just focus on those majors, which they are keen on and talented in, but in my opinion, I strongly
There are 2 problems with this presentation. The first, is that it creates an inaccurate restatement of the original prompt / topic since there was no reference to the argument you are presenting in this sentence. The second problem, is that you are using a measured response in an essay that only requires a simple response. So you are not meeting the preliminary scoring requirements for a passing TA score at this point. The essay will start with a failing TA score, which is normally difficult to recover from, The ending score, once the other deductions are added, could be lower than expected, a non-passing score. Always remain true to the original prompt information. Do not add to it, do not deduct from it. Be on point at all times.
From my perspective, I found some errors and vagued ways of your expression in the essay.
- The phrase "may receive" is vague and does not clearly introduce your argument. It's important to state your position clearly and directly. Improving this to something like, "In today's educational system, it is important for students to receive a well-rounded education," sets up a clear stance and introduces the topic effectively.
- The phrase "young bloods" is informal and colloquial, which is not appropriate for academic writing. "Suffer from a hectic schedule" is also somewhat vague. Rewriting to "Moreover, in today's fast-paced world, many people, including young students, are overwhelmed by a hectic schedule and heavy workloads" is more precise and suitable for an academic context.
- "To explain thoroughly, everybody knows that the future is unpredictable and unforeseeable; therefore, there are some unexpected situations happening, which are out of the knowledge of several subjects, which are only focused on." This sentence is too complex and quite hard to follow, the structure and words are quite messy. You need to simplify it to "Since the future is unpredictable, having a broad knowledge base helps students handle unforeseen challenges that may arise outside their areas of expertise" makes the argument clearer and more focused."
I hope this could you improve your writing skills.
