[TOEFL] All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school.

Hi there,
I am going to take TOEFL test and I have some problems with my writing.
I study by myself and I have no companions to help me check out my essays.
I really need your help :)
Here is my essay ... Plz help me ...

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school.
Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

Nowadays, students have to study many subjects in secondary school. Of all subjects which include social science, natural science, etc., students also study subjects that require and develop their creativity, such as art and music. Many people look down on these subjects because of many reasons. In contrast, I personally agree with the statement that art and music should be a requirement in secondary school. There are many reasons for my point of view.

First, as I have mentioned, art and music can enhance the development of students' creativity, an important factor that is highly appreciated by many recruiters in this modern world. When a lot of people have become much more stable with their conservative thoughts, those with creative ideas turn out to be a precious gift for life. In the other word, art and music are very important to help people; especially students in secondary schools entirely develop. It seems to be certain that everyone all over the world have heard about Mozart, a genius musician who was born and grown up in the rhythm of music and many scientific documents have proved that what made Mozart become genie is music and art. Therefore, if students in secondary schools are required to study these subjects, their future seem to be brighter because they are potential to be many other Mozart. In addition, the world needs their ability to be better for people to live.

Second, no one can deny that art and music also have the ability to help people relax. Nowadays students are always in stuck with so much homework from their teachers, and with numerous extra classes to keep up with or even outdo their peers at school. They seem to have no free time at all for sport, sleeping, or even relaxation. That is one of the reasons why students should be required to study art and music at secondary schools as a way for them to rest. They need to take a rest to continue climbing so many mountains that this tough life force them to. By taking advantage of time in class with many friends, they can have happy time to balance their study and entertainment. In my opinion, it is very crucial for secondary school students nowadays. Nobody wants our new generation will be bookworms who just know to study, eat, and sleep, without ability of music or art. This is really a tragedy.

In conclusion, so that students can develop all their potential such as creativity, adults, especially educationists should create good conditions for students in secondary school to study art and music. It will be better if they are required to study these subjects. Together we hope that in the future there are more and more genies appearing by this change and helping others so that the world will be a better place for people to live in.

"In conclusion, so that students can develop all their potential such as creativity, adults, especially educationists should create good conditions for students in secondary school to study art and music."

I think people often write this sentence like this: In conclusion, adults, especially educationists should create good conditions for students in secondary school to study art and music so that students can develop all their potential such as creativity.

"Therefore, if students in secondary schools are required to study these subjects, their future seem to be brighter because they are potential to be many other Mozart."

I think Mozart is a genie because he was born to be a musician and he had good conditions to develop his talent. Personally I think in secondary school now many students find it hard to learn art or music because they are not born to learn that and they do not have any ability to learn that and it often make their whole score at school lower.

Thanks for your feedback :)
Is there anything else, you guys? :)

I feel that the sentence an important factor that is highly appreciated by many recruiters in this modern world has something wrong. And in "creative ideas turn out to be a precious gift for life ", I think it should be "creative ideas turn out to be precious gifts for life".

Thank quin yi,
Maybe "recruiters" has no relationship with what was mentioned in the paragraph. :-?
I agree with you. It should be replaced. :)

i like the second paragraph,
about the third para, are u sure?
i read the topic sentence , i misunderstood that u are writing about benefits from art
i think when children learn at, they have to study, are u sure they are relax
some children who dont learn this subject, they still can use music to relax

Thanks much :D
Uhm, I dont focus much on ideas, Thinh
Because TF does not pay much attention to this
I write with my first thoughts in rather short time , therefore, maybe there are lots of problems with knowledge, hihi :">

The last two sentences of your first paragraph are little bit redundant. You can revise it.

you know the essay topic before you take the test??

you had make a mistake zbout the structure,and you d better avoid using FIRST SECOND.

I don't know how much time you have but maybe you could express both points of view and then state your own point of view?

Also, you generalise a bit too much. Instead of saying 'everyone' 'all over the world' 'people' and 'nobody' maybe you should say 'many people' 'a number of people' etc.

Thank you very much.
I will try not to those mistakes again.
Thanks so much :D

People like Mozart are going to learn music and art whether it is in school or not. So that part isn't important. What IS important, though, is that art and music are important for many reasons other than the art itself. It teaches critical thinking, it expands the mind beyond what is learned in science and math, it has historical relevance, it teaches the mind about organization and pattern---these are some things you could mention as well.