Study concentration in schools - IELTS WRITING TEST

Some people say that schools should concentrate on teaching students academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers. Other people say that subjects such as music and sports are also necessary.

Discuss both view and give your own opinion.

It is believed that teaching academic subjects should be the principal approach of schools to prepare students for better jobs in their future, while alternative subjects such as music and sports should also be included in the curriculum. Both viewpoints are justifiable, but I personally lean towards the latter.

oOn the one hand, academic subject indeed significant. In fact, it is the bulk of the best way to have a good career after graduation. Such as math, science and language, whose performance is placed heavy emphasis on education and employers alike.

oOn the other hand, it is claimed that non-academic subjects cannot be discounted altogether. Having said that, they may not be directly helpful in securing employment, they indirectly make a candidate more employable. For instance, the person, who learn how to sing or play a musical instrument could bring benefits for students in networking events or have job promotions. Another compelling reason why non-academic subjects should be taught in school is that it allows talented student in athletic and artistic fields to be discovered. In addition to this, non-academic could bring benefits to students as they help them to improve their strength to work under pressure after a nerve cracking semester or they could expand their professional network by playing sports with their colleagues or partners.

oIn conclusion, I reckon that academic subjects should be given precedence in school, but it is also important that students should learn another subjects such as music and sport.

You missed the minimum word count bythismuch. Only a few more words to go and you would have avoided percentage score penalties for a few words. That is too bad. Yes, even if you are missing only 7 words (as in this presentation), word deductions will still be made for that shortcoming. That will really have your essay start at a TA score disadvantage, which can pull down your overall score to failing, in most instances. Let's review the rest of the essay.

Based on the way that you presented your prompt restatement, you should be using the 5 paragraph version for this essay. You cannot place your opinion in the concluding paragraph for formatting reasons. I will explain that later. In the meantime, I have to show you the proper format for this presentation, based, like I said, on the thesis presentation in the prompt restatement. It should look like this:

Par. 1: Restatement + Opinion
Par. 2: Discuss the first point of view with explanations based on public opinion using third person references (alternative is public opinion + personal opinion of the public opinion)

Par. 3: Discuss the second point of view via third person pronouns (Alternative: + Personal opinion of the second public point of view)
Par. 4: A full explanation of your personal opinion
Par. 5: Concluding summary.

Your discussions are not properly developed. The first public point of view is not properly discussed and presented. It will lower your C&C score due to an under developed paragraph presentation. It does not explain itself very well and limits the understanding of the reader because of the lack of information in the paragraph.

Your C&C will further be lowered by the reasoning only topic presentation in the next paragraph. You failed to properly convince the reader, using proper explanations, reasons, and examples to prove the point of the public in support of this opinion. When you do not properly explain and develop your topic sentences, the paragraph becomes under explained and under developed, further reducing your overall score.

Finally, the concluding paragraph. You presented your personal opinion as the closing statement, creating an open ended presentation. There is no wrap up or summary presentation of the properly developed discussion points for all 3 points of view. So this essay will really have a highly difficult time receiving a passing score. Why? Aside from the errors I pointed out, you also have sentence structure errors and grammar problems that will further reduce your LR and GRA scores. Overall, the essay will not get a passing score.