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IELTS: Subway system in London, Paris, Tokio, Washington, Kyoto and Los Angeles


SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Apr 25, 2014   #1
I am honour this forum regulation. I wrote the same report in this link https://essayforum.com/writing-feedback-3/task-subway-system-s ix-major-countries-56328/. As far I feel insufficient about my writing I try to write it down again. In the beginning I try to re-open my old writing and hope I can post the newest in the bottom of the comment. But unfortunately it is not permitted.

I do not have any intention to against the rule of this forum. I just want do much practice. I hope my newest post, with the same prompt, is permitted. Thank you

The table presents the subways systems in 6 major countries in terms of opening date, length of route, and passenger per annum in millions.

Overall, all the mentioned features varied notably, while Kyoto's system accounted for the shortest route and lowest passengers in the statistic year, the oldest system in London showed the longest length.

London subway system coming first construction in 1863 revealed the length of 394 km and carried 775 passengers. By comparison with Los Angeles' railway being inaugurated in 2001, lengthening 11 km and delivered 50 passengers in their route, such system nearly sixteen-fold increase in full load of passengers. Coming second constructed in 1900, subterranean in Paris delivered 1191 passenger. There was a slight number in comparison with Tokyo's system gaining 1927 commuter involve in their system.

A closer looked at the a-hundredth kilometers length under the longest route. Built in 1927, Tokyo's subterranean depicted the lengthof 155 km, a 30 km longer than that of Washington DC railways which constructed around 50 years following. Standing in contrast with the two former mentioned, railway system in Paris, having 199 km length, showed a slight higher and noted as the second longest route of the overall systems.




minhvo 2 / 4  
Apr 26, 2014   #2
The table presents the subways systems in 6 major countries in terms of opening date, length of route, and passenger per annum in millions.

those are cities, not country

London subway system coming first construction in 1863 revealed the length of 394 km and carried 775 passengers. By comparison with Los Angeles' railway being inaugurated in 2001, lengthening 11 km and delivered 50 passengers in their route, such system nearly sixteen-fold increase in full load of passengers. Coming second constructed in 1900, subterranean in Paris delivered 1191 passenger. There was a slight number in comparison with Tokyo's system gaining 1927 commuter involve in their system.

The data on the table showed passengers per YEAR. In the paragraph, you wrote "carried 775 passengers" meaning that it only carried 775 passengers in all those years of service.

There're a lot of grammar errors, i think you should re-write and re-consider the paragraph carefully before posting it on for correction.

Hope this helped
tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Apr 28, 2014   #3
London subway system coming first construction in 1863 revealed the length of 394 km and carried 775 passengers.

The construction of London's subway system was coming first in 1863 which revealed the length with 394 km and carried 775 passengers.

For avoiding lexical resources "delivered"

By comparison with Los Angeles' railway being inaugurated in 2001, lengthening 11 km and delivered 50 passengers in their route, such system nearly sixteen-fold increase in full load of passengers.

Coming second constructed in 1900, subterranean in Paris delivered 1191 passenger.

1191 passengers occupied the subterranean in Paris

Grammar Issue

There was a slight number in comparison with Tokyo's system gaining 1927 commuter involve(involved / involves) in their system.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Apr 29, 2014   #4
ll the mentioned features varied notably,

This is not adding any value to your writing as it does not give any meaningful information to the reader. In this task which is focused on report writing, you need to tell things in short, but every sentence should inform some important information about the graphical presentation to the reader. Avoid meaningless phrases like above. In the overview, you need to tell the most obvious trend/trends in short without any details.


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