Unanswered [18] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

Summary : Scramble to rescue tourists on slopes of Lombok volcano (source : The Times)


sasariri 17 / 25  
Sep 30, 2016   #1
Sub-crater of Mount Rinjani in Lombok Island, Indonesia, well-known as Barujari Mount started the eruption on Tuesday afternoon. It made people who around in that area in panic situations. A thousand tourist were evacuated by Emergency volunteer to the nearby safety place. National Park Officials released the number of tourist, according to the announcement, there were 398 people while most of them were overseas tourist and local tourist were less than 30%. It was noticeable that no one injured. The erupting Barujari Mount did not made a huge impact daily activities in Lombok, for example to the flight companies. As usual, Lombok Airports were functioning whereas two companies canceled their schedule and the other flights schedule were delay. Indonesia is an country which has massive volcanoes, interestingly it made people from around the world spend their vacation in Indonesia. An breathtaking scenery is the most reason that people enjoy to visit Barujari Mountain.

zul2805_es 7 / 18  
Sep 30, 2016   #2
Hi Sasariri, in my perspective you have good writing, however there are still several mistake. Let me give you some suggestions:

... as Barujari Mount, started the eruption ... Pay attention to the punctuation because the subject is Sub-crater of Mount Rinjani in Lombok Island whereas well-known as Barujari Mount is adverb.

It made people who were still around in that areathere in panic situations. After "who/which" you have to put verb or be.

It was noticeable that is no one injured. Still, after "that/who/which" you must to put verb or be.

AnA breathtaking scenery is the most ... Using article A/an is grammatically error.

Keep writing as it can make your skill improve.
tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Sep 30, 2016   #3
Grammatical Issues

It made people who were around in that area in panic situations.

A thousand tourist were

I'm not sure with this. Read a good grammar book.

the number of tourist

The number of tourists
This is the common mistake when you write writting ielts task 1, please pay more attention for this.

overseas tourist and local tourist

Tourist is countable noun.

As usual , Lombok Airports were functioning ...

Find the other chunking words.

Indonesia is an a country which has massive volcanoes, . Interestingly, it made people ...

The original sentence is fragment sentence. It will be better the clary of sentence instead of the complex sentence which is wrong structure.
Fitri12 28 / 53 6  
Oct 1, 2016   #4
Hi Sasariri, it's my pleasure to share regarding your writing.

... Barujari Mount started the eruption on Tuesday afternoon. (Past Tense is not the only one Tense that we can use in this sentence. if there is no specific time or the event still has impact for the future, we can use "Perfect". For example: ... Indonesia, well-known as Barujari Mount has been starting the eruption on Tuesday afternoon. OR .., Indonesia, well-known as Barujari Mount has started the eruption on Tuesday afternoon).

Please pay attention to the flow of your writing and its sense of meaning.

Thank you.
alfa7 19 / 26 1  
Oct 1, 2016   #5
Hello Sasariri I want you obtain some suggestions from me to your essay

here we go
... started the eruption on T uesday afternoon.

you should not use capital alphabet to write a day's name

It made people who around in that area in panic situations .
... volunteer to the nearby safety place. National Park Officials released the numbers of tourist, according to ...
The erupting BarujariBarujari eruptionMount did not made a huge impact on daily activities in Lombok, for example to the flight companies .

please use "on" "in" "at" in your essay, these words will help you to more explain.
you can replace "companies" to "schedules" in my opinion it word more related to your context.


... companies canceled their schedules and the other flights schedules were delay.

note: keep writing and go ahead
Iedha01 21 / 40  
Oct 3, 2016   #6
Halo there,
Let me give some suggestion regarding to your summary

I' ve notived that you contructed your sentences so unclearly. Sometimes I could not catch the meaning. Let me show you

-It made people who around in that area in panic situations.(you should say "It caused panic situations among the people)


Home / Writing Feedback / Summary : Scramble to rescue tourists on slopes of Lombok volcano (source : The Times)