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Her sweater had always been her cloak of protection;Short Story thoughts and opinions



cpdphilippe 4 / 7  
Mar 14, 2013   #1
Hey everyone I'm currently trying to write a short story haven't finished it yet so its a work in progress and I was trying to get some opinions on it. Thanks for viewing!

It became real the first time they became intimate. The whole scenario played out like a poorly scripted teenage movie, cutting class and making his home their sanctuary. Trepidation and uncertainty embroiled between the two teens as they dawned upon a new facet of their relationship, the moment terrified however their libidos simply intensified. Despite, their inexperience the exchange was fluid his garments disappeared and she trepidatiously followed suit, however she insisted adamantly her sweater remain on. Slowly inhibitions faded as their bodies begun to converge, his broad ebony arms draped across her glimmering freckled skin, becoming one. The scent of engrossed human flesh filled the air as they toiled and tumbled throughout his bed. Repeatedly she made deliberate attempts to return her sweater to its "rightful place", but it was futile and eventually he freed her of it liberating the truth.

Her sweater had always been her cloak of protection that disguised the body which she hadn't fully come to appreciate and aided in denying reality. Once the their act was over an awkward cool filled the room as they individually reflected and previously dormant secrets awoke. The moment of reflection was over, she scattered for her clothes yet it was to late. He had begun to gingerly run his hands around her body investigating each freckle that littered her body playing tic tac toe and eventually reaching her arms. His fingers ran through the peaks and valleys of coarse striations that uniformly followed one another down the length of her arm he hesitated and sat perplexed. She grimaced and pulled away retreating her corner of the bed.

coljin 1 / 2  
Mar 14, 2013   #2
Good short story.
I can get a clear idea of the picture you are trying to illustrate.
However, some of the sentences seem to be too cluttered with words.
Ex. "Slowly inhibitions faded as their bodies begun to converge, his broad ebony arms draped across her glimmering freckled skin, becoming one. "

Just some thoughts.

Great writing


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