Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
This is a difficult topic for me, but i try my best for an exam next month.
i am not good at essay writing, so please help me?
Thank you.
The question is that
Some people believe that students should be given one long vacation each year. Others believe that students should have several short vacations throughout year. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.
time off from study
I agree that Students should be given one long vacation each year. They will have a good opportunity to do mutual activities concerning nature, culture and community development. Taking one long vacation has more educational benefits than it used to be.
To start with an example, Mr kim and his roommates always organize a trip to The national Thailand mountain Park. To illustrate, when a long vacation comes, Mr ask everybody in the classroom about what we should do to fill in a free time. Mr kim think about taking all of his friends to The Thailand natural mountain park to learn endangered animals such as monkey living in the deep jungle, which make all roommates educated about the nature living patterns unseen before.
Furthermore, In addition to the mountain, Mr kim and his friends go to a Forbidden city in china. Because of a long vacation, Mr kim has enough time to arrange the trip to experience glory and authenticity which are not felt by watching Television. Moreover, Going to learn paintings on a wall can make all of the classmates realize the importance of the Forbidden city to be conserved for later generations
More importantly, the final task is for all of the roommates to help develop the Bang Yee San community. Mr kim and his friends hit on an idea of help a small village" Ban Yee San" by going to build a house and decorate a newly established museum which is scheduled to open next month. With our heart and soul, we are able to finish the work on time, which make owner of The Ban Yee San community very delighted.
In conclusion, taking one long Vacation has a lot more unaware advantages. Students can learn ways of living of other living creatures in a forest, have a rare chance to go overseas to view real beauty of The Forbidden City unfelt by Television, and also create a strong bond among classmates.Hi Panyapon,
Don't capitalize student in that first line.
They will have a good opportunity to do mutual to participate in activities concerning nature, culture and community development. ----the word mutual means it affects 2 people in the same way, so it does not work in this sentence.
The way to use mutual is to write something like this:
I told her I liked her, an she told me the feeling was mutual.
Or...
Two students worked together and enjoyed mutual benefit.
Taking one long vacation has more educational benefits than it used to have .
