And the suggestion made by you in intro is indeed quit coherent. But can i ask - is mines was wrong or just required more direct and clear delivery of message. I hope you wont mind as i am tracking my self and mistakes, few days to face exam.
Well, it is not wrong, but needed improvement. For example;
Many people promote one long vocation system
offor the schools because it would help students to start their course or academic year with strong zeal of learning.
First, "promote" is not the most suitable word there. People can vote for that system, but they are unable to promote that. Hope you got what I meant :D
The government promotes NGOs to take part in its economic activities
Parents promote their children to be competitive
Should we promote competition or cooperation is a question!
In all above sentences, the promoter has some authority to do that. But in this essay the people do not have that authority or mandate, but they just express their view :)
Since your exam is nearing, I suggest you to keep to that structure seriously :) I think it is the best way for you to keep improving. Do not experiment with new ways of expressing ideas or new key words now. You now need to be confident in one particular way as you are almost on the verge of your exam. Your writing is not bad and our suggestions are for you improve further and gain a great score at TOEFL :)