Teachers' performance should be evaluated by students; 'biased judgment'

Hi, this is my practice of TOEFL Independent Writing, would someone help me revise it? Thank you!

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Teachers' performance should be evaluated by students rather than by other teachers.
Admittedly, the job of teaching is quite different from other jobs for the essential characters a teacher should obtain, such as the spirit of sharing, patience, and meanwhile be just to every student. However, this job resembles other jobs a lot. Teachers get lots of workmates and the students taught by them are just like the customers to a shop owner. Thus, a teacher's performance can be evaluated by students just like a sales girl being evaluated by the customers. And in my opinion, only in this criterion, can a teacher be judged fairly.\

First, students' comments on the teachers are much more fair than other teachers'. Since other teachers are also workmates, competitions between workmates are inevitable which must result in biased judgment. What's more, a teacher maintains good expertise in teaching may specially invoke jealousness of other teachers'. Take my English teacher of high school for example, she is a teacher with a broad range knowledge in English literature and studied in England for a couple of years. Undoubtedly, she won a good reputation between students. Yet, it seemed that she was not that welcomed between her workmates. It turned out she resigned the job and find a niche she suited for. This is pathetical that even between teachers, competitions may bring jealousness and the negative effects are suspicion and rumors. While this widespread phenomenon proves that teachers' performance should be evaluated by the students rather than other teachers.

Further, teachers' job is teaching, the causal relationship including in the teaching are this activity itself and the learning condition of the students. That's to say, this job's purpose has nothing to do with how it affects other teachers but only relates to the students' input of knowledge.

Good point and good writing, but i want to you to ask, how many paragraphs are you supposed to write?. I can see only introduction and one paragraph.

. Teachers get lots of workmates and the students taught by them are just like the customers to a shop owner...it should be, Teachers get lots of colleagues and the students taught by them are like costumers to them.

Thus, a teacher's performance can be evaluated by students just like sales person's work is evaluated by costumers.
Since teacher are colleagues, competition between workmates are inevitable which might result in biased judgement.

Thanks for replying.
I've written three paragraphs, here they are:
Admittedly, the job of teaching is quite different from other jobs for the essential characters a teacher should obtain, such as the spirit of sharing, patience, and meanwhile be just to every student. However, this job resembles other jobs a lot. Teachers get lots of workmates and the students taught by them are just like the customers to a shop owner. Thus, a teacher's performance can be evaluated by students just like a sales girl being evaluated by the customers. And in my opinion, only in this criterion, can a teacher be judged fairly.\

First, students' comments on the teachers are much more fair than other teachers'. Since other teachers are also workmates, competitions between workmates are inevitable which must result in biased judgment. What's more, a teacher maintains good expertise in teaching may specially invoke jealousness of other teachers'. Take my English teacher of high school for example, she is a teacher with a broad range knowledge in English literature and studied in England for a couple of years. Undoubtedly, she won a good reputation between students. Yet, it seemed that she was not that welcomed between her workmates. It turned out she resigned the job and find a niche she suited for. This is pathetical that even between teachers, competitions may bring jealousness and the negative effects are suspicion and rumors. While this widespread phenomenon proves that teachers' performance should be evaluated by the students rather than other teachers.

Further, teachers' job is teaching, the causal relationship including in the teaching are this activity itself and the learning condition of the students. That's to say, this job's purpose has nothing to do with how it affects other teachers but only relates to the students' input of knowledge.

hai..
You need 4 paragraphs
Introduction,
2body paragraphs,
Conclusion..

Christy

I know it's not complete, while the TOEFL test put a time limitation on this writing, so I have no time to do the rest.

This sentence is too lengthy; It disturbs your flow :( .... This is your opening sentence and you should start your essay with a good punch :) .... Break it up to two ;

Teacher's job differs from other professions due to its unique characteristics. Effectiveness of a teacher depends on many qualities he or she possesses; A good teacher should invariably be inspiring, patient, caring, fair minded, disciplined, dedicated etc. ... My suggestion is that limit one idea to one sentence. What is more important is the clarity of your idea and how well you present it.

I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, you need to improve on your essay structure too.... You need to have at least 4 paras that include introduction, 2 body paras and a conclusion.

Thank you so much for your useful tips.
I will revise it and post the 2nd edition, hopefully I will get more advises from u!