Technical Training and Electrical Engineering - essay for study plan to Australia!

NEW -This is my essay for study plan to Australia! I'm welcome every your comment...Thank you:)

Study Plan

Family Background and Personality

My name is Sok Menghourt, born on 27 September 1999. I'm currently a student. I graduated from high school in August, 2017 and I entered to National Technical Training Institute (NTTI), majored in Electrical Engineering for 2 years. I'm a person who interested in technology and I like to mess around with the computer a lot. My family runs a business at home selling baby products such as milk, diapers and other baby's accessories, so I spent some of my free time helping them. I've learned many things from this family's business such as stock management, staff management and some financial management.

One at a time (in separate threads).

I think you should expand more on your background like for example talk about stuff that you did or achievements or awards that would help get you accepted! Also you should expand a bit more on the whole family's business and how it helped your grow both professionally and personally.

The essay doesn't sound like it was written by a college graduate. It reads more like an elementary school student wrote the essay. It doesn't really discuss your family background and personality in an interesting manner. When you discuss your family background, go into detail. How did your parents influence your character development. What lessons did they teach you that you carry as a personal value in life? Why do you consider them role models? How do you live your life in a manner that would make them proud? How does your relationship with your parents define your character as a person? You need to go into greater detail with your discussion. You need to make sure that you allow the reviewer to really get to know your family through your written interview. He doesn't really get a definite picture of your family background and character in this essay. My questions should be able to help you improve your presentation. Those are the standard information required for character background essays. Add to it as you deem necessary.