Writing Task 1 Test 5 Cam 14 : Doing Regular Physical Activity between Men and Women in Australia

I want to see all of your comments below the my essay . Thank for your response !!!! My target is band 6.0

the proportion of Australian males and females, doing exercises regularly

The Topic : The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age group who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The given bar chart gives information about the proportion of males and females , doing exercise regularly according to six different age groups ( 15-24 ,25-34, 35-44 , 45-55 , 55-64 , 64-over ) in Australia in 2010.

It is crystal clear that the percentage of both men and women who did regular physical activities are vary consistently throughout age groups.
On the one hand , 15-24 year olds of men rate were the highest percentage of people usually taking part in physical activities and accounted for roughly 53% . The figures then declined slightly to 42,2% and hit a low of 39,5% for 35-44 year-old-man in the chart . Noticeably, there was an upward trend for those aged 45-54 , 55-64 and older ascent continually from 43,1% to 45% and 47,7% respectively.

On the other hand , the number of women who did workout regularly aged 15to 24 increased slightly from 47,7% to 49% at the aged of 25-33 years old and then this figure also rose approximately 52,5% in the 35-44 age group . Furthermore , the data of those aged 45 to 54 reached the highest point of 53,3% in over year. However , the number of 55 to 64 year old women decreased slowly to 53% and were a corresponding drop in 47,1 at the 65 and over age group.

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There should be a comparative trending statement as a part of the summary overview presentation. That way, the explanation regarding the trend of male and female users are clearly presented to the reader. Your trending statement does not really stand out in this essay because you merged it with the discussion paragraphs. The trending statements are usually presented at the end of the summary, or as a stand alone sentence because the examiner needs to see how the trend relates to the given images. You did not really achieve that purpose in your current presentation.

Don't forget to hyphenate the age references in your essay whenever possible. You should also indicate "vary consistently", not "are vary consistently". In relation to that, you wrote 219 words. A number of words that you cannot achieve in writing within the 20 minutes allotted for this task, Please use a timer next time so that you can get a better idea of how many words you can actually write within the given time frame. Aim to write no less that 175 words, no more than 190 words so that you will have editing and revision minutes to spare before moving on to the Task 2 essay.

Thank for you comment ..!! I will fix them .