In this essay, I will demonstrate my ideas as well as provide relevant explanations.
It is nice to know how you plan to write the essay. The problem is, you were being asked to respond to the question, not explain how you will write the essay. Therefore, you will not receive a score for writer's opinion in this instance. You failed to provide one so you have to accept the point deductions for not meeting the task writing requirements.
I believe that those in charge
This should have been included in the first paragraph. It does not help your score to place this opinion at the end. Additionally, using a comparative discussion in a single opinion essay means that you will not receive any score for the opinion that is not aligned with your own. Since you did not specify a clear opinion at the start, your score will be much lower than expected