With deforestation, urban development and illegal hunting, many animal species are becoming endangered as they lose their habitat and some are even threatened to the point of extinction.
the importance of animals protection
The number of animal species in danger is rising rapidly as their habitats are destroyed and some are even driven to the point of extinction. This is the result of deforestation, urban development and illegal hunting. Personally, I agree that it is vital to protect animals and measures must be taken to tackle this problem.
There are reasons why protecting animals is crucial. Firstly, we live in a world where together all species make up this delicately balanced ecosystem and the disappear of any animal species might cause a chain reaction on the entire system, including humans. For example, many of our crop plants rely on pollinating birds and mammals to produce seeds. And the decline in these animals would result in decrease in our food supply. Secondly, a great diversity of animal species can act as a source of art and entertainment, enriching human lives. For example, the peacock with its colorful tail, a great inspiration to humans, has been reflected in art and literature of many cultures.
Solutions must be applied to solve this problem. One step is government must eliminate corruption and ensure fair enforcement of forest and wildlife conservation policies. By strictly enforcing these preservation laws, rules and regulations, deforestation and illegal hunting can be limited. Another step is the promotion of building sustainable and environmentally friendly cities that embrace safe habitats and environmental conditions for animal species. For example, such economy based on sustainable environment such as investment in green infrastructure, green public transportation, and renewable energy should be encouraged. Further more, individuals must be educated to be aware of their responsibility for protecting threatened animal species. People can choose to buy recycled paper and sustainable products like bamboo, which can contribute to protect forest animal species.
In conclusion, I totally agree that it is crucial to protect animals and solutions must be implemented to tackle this issue.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15384 Lam, aside from the almost plagiarized presentation of the prompt discussion in your opening statement, you have written a well developed essay that shows an understanding of the prompt requirements and a definite opinion regarding the discussion you were asked to present. With that said, I have to caution you about the problem with your paraphrased opening statement.
The first paragraph of the essay is meant to test your TA abilities. As such, you are expected to deliver your own version or understanding of the discussion provided. The way that you wrote your version of the topic for discussion is still too similar to the original and also follows the same speech pattern. That makes it a very weak paraphrasing which, in the end, could affect the TA score in a big manner. Please do your best to totally change the prompt discussion presentation in your next practice test. That is the only way to assure yourself of a high TA score from the very start of the essay.
Your discussion is high appropriate and shows a strong English background. Aside from mistakenly starting a sentence with the word "And" when there was no previous idea or opinion to attach to it, the essay proves that you have the ability to create complex sentences in an intermediate sort of way. Make sure to review the written grammar rules as this is a proven weak point for you at this point. Don't start sentences with "And" or "Because".
The conclusion must also be strengthened in your next test. Make sure to develop at least 3 lines for the closing statement as the required minimum is 3 with a maximum of 5 sentences. Properly summarizing the discussion at the end will help to further increase the TA and GRA score of the overall essay. Don't just restate your opinion. Remind the reader of the important aspects of the discussion first.
Overall, the strength of the discussion that you developed could easily earn you a score of 5 for the TA and GRA with a 6 for the rest of the test requirements (LR, C&C).
Hi @blu
your body paragraph 's sentences building are great. However, your introduction is still alike the prompt so that you may reconstruct your introduction next. Turning to your conclusion, it was very limited and i suggest you to add and to recover your thesis statement and main ideas in other ways of paraphrasing sentences. Do not just like copy the introduction.
hope it helps you
Hi Lam, I wanna give you my review of your essay. You have needed a few improvement for finalizing this.
In the first paragraph, you have shown a thesis statement. However, you require developing that if you wanna obtain a high score. You are used to giving general description briefly about what you would review in the body paragraph. Two or three words can become your representation about your opinion to cover underline of them. In addition, you seemed confused to decide when you want to locate a conjunction and linking word. As we know, the linking word is essential because it can create the good flow which influences your score for coherence. Therefore, you have to be aware of delivering the proper transitional words.
Turning your body paragraph, You should present a supporting sentence for your second reason in the first body paragraph. Personally, I guess your sentence is less strong and can become a layman's opinion. Following this, you mentioned a solution, but you did not explain that strongly. The statement "The government must eliminate corruption" did not have the supporting sentence to make sure readers that it is the solution. Unfortunately, your example in the second body paragraph could not strengthen your view because you did not display the clear and related example. For the conclusion, you have to develop that again. When you can create the meaningful thesis statement, I think you can write the good conclusion because you only paraphrase the thesis statement previously. You only restate your view again. Besides that, you have to remember that the good paragraph should have at least 3 sentences.
Hopefully, those can give suggestions for your essay.
Happy Writing
@Holt
I'm appreciated your correction. I have rewritten my essay.
I have tried to paraphrase the opening statement, avoiding plagiarizing:
The number of endangered animal species is rising rapidly as deforestation, urbanization and illegal hunting are causing the loss of their habitat. This has driven some of them to the verge of extinction.
And in the body paragraph, I have also added more clear examples for my solution:
For those reasons above, the government and individuals must take steps to address this problem. One step is government must pass forest and wildlife preservation laws, rules and regulations. For example, official ban on killing and taking advantages of selling meat, fur, skin and other products from threatened animals must be published. Another step is conservation parks must be built to maintain natural habitat for those animals. Further more, individuals must be educated to be aware of their responsibility for protecting threatened animal species. People can choose to buy recycled paper and sustainable products like bamboo, which can contribute to protect forest animal species.
And the conlusion has been rewritten:
In conclusion, I totally agree that it is crucial to protect endangered animals. As they contribute to the balance of ecosystem which is considered to be an imperative condition for human development and they are highly appreciated for their aesthetic role. Thus, both the government and individuals must work out the solutions to save those animal species from extinction.
@blu
Hi! I am a student and I am learning IELTS too. Therefore I will give you some better advice.
In the introduction, you should write: Nowaday, people use all the space to develop the big cities, to build so many buildings or architecture, Not only they do that but also the law is not really strong enough for people destroy forest illegally.consequently, That is really dangerous because There are a thousand of pieces of trees and animals. if they disappear, the world will become collapse, something like that, people will not have oxi to breath
you should use more beneficial words for your essay such as therefore, consequently or such as to connect your idea or you sentences. you should give two problems and two solutions. I think it will gain your score