You think life is hard? Well imagine yourself sitting in a class feeling like you are blind, deaf, and unable to vocalize the same words as others. This hardship is happening everyday for the foreign students. They often ask themselves "What are we doing here, looking like a fool?" As I sat myself down, I begin to ponder, "Do I still feel this way?" Being Afraid of not understanding a word people were saying, or what I was going to do with myself. Even though I had my family, I was on my own most of the time. It was like going to a different universe with no hope or someone to lead you every step of they way. At that moment it reminded me of someone, someone extraordinary, someone who might have been as puzzled like I was. However, she wasn't like the majority, she was a unique person that chose the positive side of reality and made a great achievement out of it. When she first came to the U.S. she might not have known what people were saying or what the school system was like and what the culture here is but she didn't give up. She fought the obstacles that came her way. She is now an amazing Spanish professor that teaches at an early college school. Her name is Jennifer Pereira. The connection that i felt when i met her, gave me the rush of wanting to know more about her.
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Jennifer was born on October 12, which makes her a Libra in case any one of you guys were wondering. She came to the U.S. at the age of 14. As a matter of fact, to tell you the truth I just met Ms. Pereira not long ago, so honestly I don't know much about her or you can even say I don't know her at all . So at this point you guys are probably wondering "So why are you even writing about her?" Well the truth is I don't really have an answer to that yet. All I know for sure is that there is something so special about her that just makes me want to know more about her. So when I got the opportunity to write an article about a person, I thought to myself who better to write about then Ms. Pereira and it was my only chance to get to know more about her and I couldn't just let that chance slip.
While I was interviewing her for the first time, one of the questions I asked her was "What is your definition of origin and what is your origin?" She told me "I think the word origin means where you come from and my origin is Columbia." During the interview she didn't really give me much information and I don't know if it's because she didn't want to tell me too much or I simply just didn't ask the right questions. So I decided to tell her that she was really boring and I don't know how I am going to write this article just to tease her a little and see what she will say. What she told me was actually pretty interesting. She said "When you interview someone, you're not always going to get what you want or everything, you have to expand it on your own." That made me think a lot and I totally agree with her. That just shows me what a smart and intelligent individual she is. It did however surprise me in a way, but also gave me the energy to try to find a way to write this article without pushing for the answers because I will never want to annoy her.
However, when I asked her who was her role model, she told me "My role model is my mom because she taught me what is right from wrong and she is a very strong person. I want to be just like her." When I heard that I felt this rush through my body, I'm not really sure why, but it reminded me of myself a lot . I guess it's because that's exactly how I feel about my mom too. I don't know why but I just felt so touched to hear that because not everyone feels that way about their mother. She also told me that one of the most important days in her life was the day her little sister was born. She didn't really talk too much about that. Although hearing that, I'm guessing that her sister must be someone really important to her because her sister was probably part of what made her who she is today. Not only did her sister help her, but including her family, they had a big impact on her i think; because she said that she had a strong family and they all supported each other. When I heard that I felt really happy for her because my family is just like that too. To both of us, family is the most important thing.
A few weeks later I got a chance to speak to her again so I took that chance and I asked her why did she come to the U.S. She wasn't very specific but she told me that her father left. And In Columbia you had to pay for school, rent and everything else, so her mom came to the U.S. first alone to support the family, while she stayed in Columbia with her grandparents. After a while, she came to the U.S. When I heard that, it was almost like hearing about my own story because I knew exactly how she must have felt as I went through the exact same thing .
As I delve deeper, pulling away each brick from the wall of her heart, I began to realize that we had so much in common which was probably one of the reasons why I felt I that rush. I had to know more about her. I knew that there must be something about her that makes her so different from everyone else and set her apart form everyone else. I love the fact that we both love Cookies N' Cream and watching movies. We are both complicated, outgoing, funny, although she says I am so not funny (it's unclear who she says this about, you or her?) , but it's okay. However, she is very on point and wants to make everything as perfect as possible and very balanced , I think. (you think? Remember your audience, do you think they're interested about what you think of her or would they be interested in facts.)
Like most of us when we were younger orThroughout almost everyone's childhood we have always thought about what we were going to do when we grow up. As usual most of the time it always changed until we eventually had to pick one . Ms. Pereira first wanted to be an accountant because she was really good at math. Unfortunately, when she went to college she found out that it was way too hard for her and she already wasted a year in college. She didn't have much time left, so she decided to be a Spanish teacher. Even though she didn't tell me if she was really happy with this choice or not, I can see that she doesn't hate it. The reason why I say this is because every time she is teaching she is always so happy and hyper. However, one day she seemed really sad so I decided to ask her why she was upset and she told me because a lot of the kids got a really bad grade on the test, which showed how much she really cares about our work. And she told us she was sad because the class was ending and she really liked our class, which was really sweet and cute! (I really don't think you can publicly call a teacher cute.)
I have to admit I am so happy that she made this choice because if she didn't I would probably never have her as a teacher or even get a chance to meet her. After all, I can't ever imagine that happening because she is the only one that actually made me want to learn Spanish and I know that she is someone that I can't just let her pass through my life and not try to get to know her . I would regret it.
(This is out of place, it would fit better earlier on in the essay.) In the beginning I was hopeless and almost gave up on trying to get to know moreabout her because she had a wall built around her and she wouldn't let anyone in or anything out.However, the more time I spent with her, the more she started opening up and becoming more talkative. This made me really happy because she is a really interesting person and spending time with her always makes me smile. From the moment I met her I knew that she was someone so special and I don't care what it takes to get to know her. Whether it's brick by brick or day by day I will wait because I know it's worth it.
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1. You have two paragraphs introducing Ms. Pareira. Way too long. No student will sit there and go through all of this. Try to cut them down drastically.
2. I started editing abbreviations like "don't" and stuff but I'm not sure how formal it should be so I stopped editing those half way through. However, if this is meant to be formal, abbreviations shouldn't be there.
3. The paragraph about how she loves her mother and sister and family: I don't mean to be rude but no-one cares? and it isn't that catchy. It would be a lot more catchy if you were discussing her belief in a controversial subject, but who would sit there and read about a teacher's mother?
4. You're talking about a teacher. When you mention how you felt that rush to get to know, I think it's either you're trying to suck up or its just not appropriate. She is a teacher after all.
5. I don't know if its alright in your school to be this close to a teacher or not, but the way you've written your essay is as if Ms. Pareira was your best friend. I really don't think it's appropriate. I think you should ask a teacher to read it before you submit it and take a proper opinion about it.
6. You should cut down on the essay, I honestly don't think your audience will read through all of this.
7. Sorry if I was too harsh.
As I delved deeper, pulling away each brick from the wall of her heart, I began to realized realize that we had so much ...
This essay has quite a lot of detail! That is good, as long as all the detail helps to promote your theme. All the detail in the essay should be included for the purpose of expressing ONE BIG IDEA that is central to the essay. An essay should be based on one big idea; what is the big idea of this essay? Can it be expressed in a single sentence?
I don't think the AO reader will appreciate the parts where you address her/him in a conversational way (i.e. in case any of you guys were wondering), and I don't think you should say you don't really know why you are writing about her. You should boldly state the reason why you are writing about her. :-)
I like your style! As you revise this, keep the big idea in mind, and omit all details that do not help you convey your big idea to the reader.