ok so I need help determing if this essay answers the prompt 1 question or prompt 2 question. my first post was deleted...and I need help with grammer as well as using more complex words. thank you
Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
"Mama, where's dad?" I was 5 years old when I asked that dreadful question and I didn't get an answer until I was about 9. All I knew was that I would be living with my mom and brother. Every Tuesday would be the time me and my brother would meet my father and eat dinner with him. I suppose some people would say that it was terrible not to tell me about the divorce however I felt it was good that I didn't get an answer. It kept me from depression and gloominess. If I was told at an early age, I would have become a totally different person, much like the people I knew who had divorced parents. Many of the people I knew had bad grades, a terrible attitude, and heavily relied on drugs.
When I was told the full story, it didn't really have an impact in my life because I had barely thought about it. However as the years passed, I realized that I wouldn't have a father-figure in the house. No one would teach me how to shave, talk to girls, or play sports. I had a strong relationship with my big brother and he had always been there for me and taught me new things. In a way, he became a father and a brother to me. My brother had taught me how to play basketball and study efficiently. When I saw how fast he had matured, I wanted to become like him. He became the "man" of the house and it inspired me to grow up and become independent.
With my mom working most of the day and my brother becoming increasingly busy with school work, I had to learn how become responsible and independent. I soon became curious about how to do housework. I began to observe how my mom would cook dinner and do laundry for me and my brother. I thought to myself, if I could learn how to cook for myself and clean for myself then I wouldn't have to depend on my brother or mom. Therefore I can help out while my brother is out studying and my mom is out working. I wouldn't be a "baby" and be helpless in doing simple tasks.
Over the few years, I had become much more mature than my friends were and it made me proud that I wanted to become a "man" much quicker than others. Even though the divorced made a "gap" in my life, I quickly recognized that the "gap" could be filled up with determination and hard work. It may have seemed like a tragic experience; however there were some upside to it. I became much mature and prepared in the life ahead of me and I hope I can become a better person than my father was.
It would be more helpful if you posted the prompts.
Does this response answer whether this has shaped your dreams and aspirations or was an experience that you are proud of or determines who you have become?
When you answer that question, you will know which prompt to put this response in.
I was 5 years old when I asked that dreadful question and I didn't get an answer until I was about 9.
... that dreadful question and didn't get an answer until I was about 9.
Every Tuesday would be the time me and my brother would meet my father and eat dinner with him
Try to revise the sentence;
Every Tuesday, my brother and I would meet my father and eat dinner with him.
I suppose some people would say that it was terrible not to tell me about the divorce however I felt it was good that I didn't get an answer.
I suppose some people would say that it was a terrible thing not to tell me about the divorce, however, I felt it was good that I didn't get an answer.
Remember, after your 'However"s, add a comma after!
Good luck! If you can, please take a look at mine and leave any input you can!
I believe your essay relates more to prompt 1 because it asks for how your world shaped your dreams and aspirations.Also, while I was reading, I found these sentences
I thought to myself, if I could learn how to cook for myself and clean for myself then I wouldn't have to depend on my brother or mom. Therefore I can help out while my brother is out studying and my mom is out working. I wouldn't be a "baby" and be helpless in doing simple tasks.
really awkwardly placed or stated. The sentences don't really connect and provide an awkward ending to your paragraph. Besides this small awkwardness I thought your essay was well written.
well I thought how this could relate to prompt 1 but I realized the divorce was more of an experience that ended up making me more mature and I was proud of it. I tried to make it into a prompt 1 kind of essay but it ended up in failure :(
Well heres my first prompt, i think its kinda off topic.
Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
"Scott lets go, we're going to be late for the game!" My mom had got box seats to a San Antonio Spurs versus Los Angeles Lakers game. It was my first basketball game and I was very thrilled to be attending. Once I saw the tall skyscrapers of downtown Los Angeles, I awed in excitement and joy. When my mom finally got a parking spot, we walked to the ticket booth and when I saw the blue lights emitted from Staples Center, I was amazed and left speechless. I had never seen a building as fancy as that. As I entered the private room, I saw a few people with us. I thought the room would be for me and my mom only but I was wrong. My mom had told me that those people were very rich and successful. The game wouldn't start for another 30 minutes so my mom and I went to find some seats. I sat down next to a gentlemen eating popcorn. He told me that there were free drinks in the fridge and I could go get some. I was reluctant at first but decided to go get a drink. Once the starting lineups had been introduced, I saw a San Antonio player that wasn't black or white. I did not know his name and I asked the man next to me who he was. I found out that he was a French player and his name was Tony Parker. I took a liking for him because during the game he would doing fancy dribbles and passes. I knew that I wanted to be just like him. The man next to me knew that I began to like the sport basketball and saw how much I awed at amazement when Tony Parker made a basket. During halftime, the man asked me if I wanted a Tony Parker jersey. I immediately replied, "Yes I would love to have one." The man took me to go buy the jersey. After the game, I thanked the man with a hug and he then told me if I wanted to be successful like Tony Parker then I'd have to work hard, never give up on my dreams, and never let anyone tell you what you cannot do. His words had inspired me to become successful like himself and Tony Parker. As I went home, I discovered on the Internet that Tony Parker had divorced parents like me. It gave me hope that a person with divorced parents can be so successful. I knew I wouldn't become an NBA player because of my height and skill but I was determined to become rich and successful like Tony Parker. My mom had always encouraged me to study hard and someday I may become triumphant and glorious. I had never given up my dream to become successful and I hope I can make into a University and pay back my debts to my mother.
since you're really excited about this event try adding some snazzy words in there
you just have a lot of the same words
you'd like for the admissions office to think you have a wide vocabulary don't you???
My mom had got box seats to...My mom had somehow snagged box seats
game and I was very thrilledabsolutely thrilled
When my mom finally got a parking spotmom finally found a parking spot
It gave me hope that a person with divorced parents can be so successful.It gave me hope that someone in my situation (try not to repeat the same phrases over and over again)
I knew I wouldn't become an NBA player because of my height and skill but I was determined to become rich and successful like Tony Parker.Don't doubt yourself because then the admissions office will doubt you're right for their school
probably just put, "I was determined to become rich and successful like Tony Parker"
My mom had always encouraged me to study hard and someday I may become triumphant and glorious. I had never given up my dream to become successful and I hope I can make into a University and pay back my debts to my mother.this is starting an entirely new subject. either expand on it and say how your mother contributed to this dream and helped you, or leave it outi know i know, words like "found" and "absolutely" aren't snazzy but they're better than "got" and "very"
and for anything else that you should be fixing: read your essays out loud and it'll become obvious what needs to be fixed or what you might just want to make sound better
thank so much on the grammer check. i wanted to add some more details about how my mother has helped me trying to acheive my dreams and i need some help.