Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the healthcare system

Hi. I'm new to task 2 and don't know my current band score. Please help me correct my writing and rate my band score if possible. Thanks!

Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the healthcare system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is decreasing.

What are the potential reasons for this, and what are "Some of the long-term effects?

There is an urgent problem with the decreasing overall health in developed nations even though governments have invested significant money into healthcare services. Habits of food consumption and lack of physical activities in developed countries must be the main reason, and in the long term, some effects such as shortages in the national budget and workforce may happen.

The first reason for the lower quality of citizens' health is the food that they intake. Unlike in some developing countries where they consume food that is healthy and low in calories, people from rich countries regularly consume processed food which contains a lot of sugar and oil. Therefore, causing many illnesses such as diabetes and high blood sugar. For example, America is the richest country in the world and also has the highest rate of diabetes. Another crucial reason is the lack of physical activity in developed nations. As life gets more advanced and more comfortable, people often seek entertainment through digital devices and they got hooked on it, resulting in less time for other activities such as working out.

In return, if the governments continue to spend lots and lots of money to improve the healthcare service, the national budget will be in a shortage. The cost of medical research and medical support to advance the level of the healthcare system is highly significant. Hence, the cost will add up and in a long time can damage the national budget, leading to struggles in the operational activities of the nation. Another effect is the lack of employees in the workforce. This is because as the overall health of a nation degrades, people can not focus on their profession but instead waste their time and money on treating their health. As a result, there will be a fall in the supply of the human resource.

In conclusion, although governments had put a lot of work in develop the healthcare system, habits of food intake and lack of exercise in developed countries result in degrading health, and in long term can cause many problems to the national budget and the supply of workforce.

Avoid exaggerations in the prompt restatement. This paragraph in particular must be as true to the original presentation as possible. That means, overstatements such as the phrase above must be avoided. Doing so changes the original basis of the presentation and adds a personal insight too soon in the paragraph. The phrase could have been more effectively added as a part of your opinion and thesis statement since it is the writer (you) that sees the situation as an "urgent problem". That was never implied in the original presentation. Good work on your opinion and thesis presentation though. It really answered the questions relevantly and on the mark.

The first reasoning paragraph was off to a good start, but failed to connect the bad diet of progressive countries with the results of their sedentary lifestyle. Just using connected transition words is not enough to score well in a task 2 essay. The transition word must also help create a cohesive paragraph using the presented discussion points. What connects the diet with the lifestyle? Use that as an additional transition method.


Wrong word usage and reference. Since you are looking at the results of the government investment in healthcare, the correct phrase is "As a result", meaning the final product of their current investment in the field. More English word familiarity is required on your end.


Too informal a phrase to use in a formal written discussion. It makes the paper sound very elementary and unprofessional. Avoid such references when writing this type of paper.


Use transitional sentences rather than transition words that do not help keep the cohesiveness of the discussion in the paragraphs. For example:

As the health budget contnues to result in higher government expenses, the desired solutions result in employment problems instead.

Always keep the connection between reason 1 and reason 2 in the same paragraph. It is necessary to meet C+C requirements.

The concluding summary is good but not properly formatted. What the examiner will be looking for are a minimum of 2 sentences that properly represent the short form of the previous discussion. It should contain:

1. The topic restatement
2. Your response to the first question
3. Combined reasons (without explanations)

These must be presented using at least 40 words in the last paragraph presentation.

Not a bad first effort. There is definitely room for improvement using the tips above. As for the score this might achieve, you have to contact me privately for detailed scoring services.