I am thankful for your comments
Ielts writing task 2, topic: traffic
Topic:
In order to solve traffic problems, governments should tax private car owners heavily and use the money to improve public transportation. What are the advantages and disadvantages of such a solution?
Many people believe that governments should impose heavy tax on car drivers and make improvements to public transportation with the money to reduce traffic congestion. There are both positive and negative sides about this initiative.
It is clear that such a solution has some undeniable benefits. Firstly, high tax on the use of private cars would most likely discourage drivers from driving their cars that are known as the culprit of traffic jams, particularly in densely populated cities. A decrease in the number of cars on the streets would probably alleviate the severity of gridlocks. Secondly, the money stemmed from the tax could be used to upgrade public transport infrastructure. For example, bus and train services in some cities are in poor condition such as the dearth of air conditioning or inferior quality of the seats and renovations to them are essential to attract passengers. Apparently, when people find public transport more inviting, they might drive their cars less frequently since they could avoid large amounts of tax money for driving. As mentioned above, fewer personal use vehicles would lead to less congested traffic.
However, the solution to resolving traffic issues has several drawbacks. One of them is a threat to taxi drivers' financial health whose sole income comes from driving. In other words, if the tax on car use was introduced, such people would make significantly less money making it more difficult for them to earn enough money for living. In addition, the introduction of the new tax could put millions of people around the globe at the risk of unemployment. This is because automobile industries providing a host of jobs would lay off their employees as the demand for cars would dramatically decline if driving cost way too much. According to research, low employment rates have been linked to higher crime rates and other social issues.
In conclusion, while the idea of announcing heavy tax on car drivers has some advantages, it causes some detrimental effects at the same time.
Indeed, your main points are apparently clear, you will have a higher score if you use more and more academic words. Hook introduction and conclusion also make a great contribution to improving your score. For example, indirect introduction in lieu of directly one. Besides, in conclusion, some suggestions must be pinpointed to make your essay competent. All of this being said, probably your essay will gain 5.0 and that's my opinion, for what it's worth.
I cannot deny that you have a rich lexical resource which contributes the best to rising your band score.
The only note that I have is that this sentence ''According to research, low employment rates have been linked to higher crime rates and other social issues.'' is a bit irrelevant to the topic sentence of your second paragraph.
