Three Steps to Create an Enduring Marriage
It is estimated that in the United States, "forty to fifty percent of first-time marriages will end in divorce, and sixty percent of second marriages" (Doherty). The divorce rate is detrimental to both society and families. In fact, "1 million American children suffer the divorce of their parents," and many of these children suffer from abuse, behavioral problems (Fagan). Many children of divorced couples will become addicted to drugs, incarcerated, and some will commit suicide. In many cases, the financial breakdown in a divorce can be devastating for the family. The financial breakdown is due to the household only having one income. The breakdown creates a problematic living situation due to not being able to afford a decent place to live. The children are also affected by the financial crisis because the parent with which they are living with, cannot afford clothing for school or other special events.
The question is, what can be done to prevent the breakdown of the family? Studies show that when married couples have long-lasting relationships, they create a stable environment, their children are less likely to fail in school, become addicts, and commit suicide. Also, they are less likely to live in poverty. Dr. Patrick Fagan, who specializes in marriage and family says, "Marriage is the best environment in which to raise healthy, happy children who can achieve their potential and that the Family is the most important institution for social well-being" (Fagan). Creating an environment that is happy and healthy so children can reach their potential is why married couples must strive to create healthy and enduring relationships. Married couples can develop healthy and enduring marriage by three basics steps, communication, become good financial managers, and a healthy intimate relationship.
Communication is vital in a marriage because it creates friendships and a closer bond with each other. One essential part of communication is casual talk, which is the beginning stage of creating a close friendship between married couples. Greg Smalley says this about informal conversations, "They establish a simple connection between you and your spouse that does not require exhausting emotional vulnerability" (Smalley). When a couple communicates casually, they will talk about things like, what happened on the job, what the weather is like, or something they heard on the news. These are just a few ways they can have small talk. Gary Hogan, who has pastored the same church for forty-five years, and has helped married couples, said, "When couples communicate casually, they start the process of a real friendship" (Hogan). The advice Hogan has given throughout the years has helped establish healthy and enduring relationships, and some of these couples have also helped other couples. Informal communication is just one of the ways a couple can begin to feel emotionally connected. Dr. Steven Stosney suggests that communication should start with wanting to feel emotionally connected, which will help develop communication that will create a closer bond between couples. (Stosney). There are many suggestions on how many times or hours, or minutes a day that a couple should have small talk. Some say two hours a day, one hour a day, and many other suggestions. Couples should analyze their situation and base their communication time with what works best for them, but the most logical one is that they should talk twenty minutes at least five days a week. Twenty minutes at least five days a week seem to be the most logical due to the schedules that most families have to follow. Informal communication should take place in a quiet place away from distractions as much as possible, not driving in a car, not while watching a television show, and when the children are either away or sleeping. This type of communication lends itself to not only talking but listening.
When couples not only talk, but they listen, it creates a closer companionship. PsychAlive, a website that specializes in a relationship, says, "The person talking is not looking to you for advice or guidance. What they truly need is to be heard so that they feel that they are being seen" (PsychAlive). The listening element of communication can be considered the most challenging part of talking. Also, there is a subtle difference between hearing and active listening. Hearing is when a person can be aware of any sound, like a drum, or loud traffic, but active listening is paying full attention and comprehending when someone is speaking. PsychAlive's article suggests that the skill of listening when communicating will "preserve a loving" and "respectful relationship" with married couples who are in love (PsychAlive). Married couples that have healthy and enduring relationships understand that active listening is essential, and it does create "preserve a loving" and "respectful relationships." Listening can be difficult because it requires a person's full attention. It requires the spouse who is listening to show interest in what is being said. To show interest, the one who is actively listening makes eye contact, and ask questions about the topic on which they are conversing. That leads back to what was stated above that couples must find a quiet place to communicate. If a person is an excellent communicator, then they will not only talk, but they will also listen. Married couples who show interest in communicating with each other will lead to the ability to communicate about a number of issues within the relationship. For example, they will have the ability to talk about problems that their children are creating or experiencing and can work out their disagreements in a civil manner. One of the most critical issues they can communicate about is their financial situation, which is one of the most vital parts of a marriage. Therefore, it is essential that married couples communicate about their finances because money is one of the causes of divorce.
Married couples should learn early in their marriage how to communicate about finances and set limits. Seth Meyers, a clinical psychologist, believes that when couples are lousy money managers, they must talk about how they can improve their financial situation (Meyers). One of the hardest issues to communicate about is finances because the man or woman may have been raised in homes that have a completely different view of money. One of them could have been raised by parents that were not good money managers and may have been frivolous with their finances. However, one of them could have been raised by parents who were good financial managers, or they could have had parents that were ultra-conservative with money. Because of this, married couples must communicate about their finances so that they began to develop their way of managing money, which will help with minimizing the stress in the home. It is essential that couples become committed to becoming good money managers. Dr. Terri Orbuch says, "Once you become a committed couple, it is important to work together to come up with general spending rules or limits" (Orbuch). Rules and limits are essential because they help create financial stability. Some suggest that when couples are away from each other, one is at home, and the other is shopping, the one who is shopping has a limit as to what they can spend. If the item costs above the limit that has been set, then the rule should be that they call each other and discuss whether or not the item is necessary. This while help bring stability because it prevents a spouse from overspending. Limits are essential because they help couples live with what they can afford. For example, if a couple earns one thousand a week together, it would not be suitable for them to have a mortgage payment of three thousand every month or car payments that they cannot afford. It is not that married couples have to earn a certain amount of income, but that they learn to manage it. When the bills are paid, credit cards in good standing, the mortgage is up to date, and utilities are not overdue, a married couple will create a less stressful environment. However, when couples are not living within their means, it leads to more stress, anxiety, frustration, and arguments that will eventually end in divorce.
When married couples are good financial managers, they are less likely to get a divorce, and the relationship will become less stressful. Financial instability can cause stress in a relationship; in fact, "Research shows that 7 out of 10 couples report that money causes tension in their relationship" (Orbuch). It is vital that married couples do not neglect their finances for the sake of their marriage and their children. When married couples are "reckless" with their finances, or are "negligent financial planner," they will negatively affect the survival of the marriage (Meyers). They will not only affect the survival of the marriage but the survival of the family. When finances are not managed properly and are of control, it will eventually cause arguments that will affect one of the most essential elements of marriage, intimacy. Without intimacy in a relationship, it can also cause the marriage to end in divorce.
Intimacy in a marriage is essential because they become emotionally connected, and they are more apt to let go of aggravations. FamilyLife posted an article on their website that states, "Married couples who have sex regularly live longer, have better health, heart enjoy a deeper connection, and can let go of annoyances easier" (FamilyLife). Married couples who are regularly intimate, develop more in-depth and meaningful relationships. Having "sex regularly" is a vital part of the marriage because by human nature, human desire physical intimacy. Not all, but many affairs are committed because of a lack of intimacy in the marriage. Consequently, marriage can end in divorce. Because of the consequence, it is essential to understand that each one has their particular desire for physical intimacy, the Bible says,
"3 The husband should fulfill his wife's sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband's needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer" (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).
The verse is not delineating an old fashion perceptive, but a perceptive that has developed healthy and enduring relationships. Verse three implies that the wife and the husband have sexual needs and that they should be fulfilled. Notice that verse five says do not deprive each other of physical intimacy, the Apostle Paul, the writer of the verse understood the importance of physical intimacy. Also, in verse four, the Apostle Paul tells married couples that the woman's body is the man's and the man's body is the woman's. Unhealthy physical intimacy is when couples use their bodies or their sexuality as weapons to get revenge. When a spouse denies sexual activity to their wife or husband because they did not like what was said earlier in the day or they did not receive something they desired, they are using their bodies as weapons. However, when a couple satisfies the need for physical intimacy and does not use sex as a weapon, the relationship becomes a closer and deeper marriage. In the FamilyLife article, they suggest that intimacy creates a "richer," "sexier," and a closer relationship with each other (FamlyLife). It is also imperative to note that intimacy is not just physical, but it includes other aspects like communicating and understanding each other's love language.
Married couples should understand that there is a subtle difference between sexual intercourse and sexual intimacy. Dr. Dobson, a marriage and family specialist, stated,
"The physical act of intercourse can be accomplished by any appropriately matched members of the animal kingdom. But the art of making love, as intended by God, is a much more meaningful and complex experience" (Dodson).
There is a difference between sexual intercourse and "making love," and it can be difficult for couples to understand, but it is essential for them to research what "making love" means to each other. Gary Chapman, the author of a book entitled "The Five Love Languages," shares his advice about how to express your love toward your spouse. In his book, he gives these five love languages, "Words of Affirmation," "Acts of Service," Receiving of Gifts," "Quality Time," and "Physical Touch" (Chapman). When married couples learn their spouse's love language, it leads to a more profound physical intimacy. For example, if a spouse's love language is "Physical Touch," then this means that when they hold hands, touch a shoulder, or give a massage, it sends a message of love to the spouse. As a result, the message of love becomes part of "making Love" because it will eventually lead to physical intimacy in the bedroom. Humans have in innate desire to be intimate with a partner, and so it becomes one of the most important aspects of marriage. Therefore, without intimacy in a marriage, there will be a possibility that the relationship will end in a divorce.
In conclusion, the three main reasons that marriages in divorce, is they did not take the time to learn how to communicate with each other, or they were poor financial managers, or they were no sign of intimacy. When these three issues are all appropriately fulfilled in the marriage, the couples are creating healthy and enduring relationships. It is vital that married couples understand that basics steps take time to develop, and there will be mistakes along the way. Most, if not all, couples who have developed a long-lasting relationship have experienced failure, made terrible mistakes, or said things that hurt, but one thing they did right was they were committed to making it work. The couples that are committed to the three steps will eventually see progress in their relationship. They will notice that they have become closer and deeper connections. They will also see in time how their commitment positively affected their children. Married couples who make up their mind that divorce is not an option will work through the struggles, and the frustration of creating a healthy and enduring marriage may save the society from a little less stress and, most of all, give their children a chance to become successful.